


Without You

by Elfen1012, FawkesTP



Category: RWBY
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, E-mail, Epistolary, Estrangement, F/F, Post-Graduation, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-05
Updated: 2018-09-05
Packaged: 2018-09-06 14:55:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 28
Words: 25,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8757016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elfen1012/pseuds/Elfen1012, https://archiveofourown.org/users/FawkesTP/pseuds/FawkesTP
Summary: In love, sometimes it's the things you don't say that matter the most. Separated by more than just a continent, Yang sends an email to her former partner when she doesn't know where else to turn. Modern AU, post-college life.





	1. Need

Sorry but I'm really freaking out

Yang Xiao Long <Fireballin17@beacon.edu>  
to me | 12:32 AM (9 hours ago)

Hey Blake. I know it's been a while since we talked or whatever, and it might be a little weird to just, like, message you out of the blue like this, but I kind of need to talk to somebody right now and I'm not sure who I can talk to, so I'm messaging you. Sorry, I'd normally call dad or Ruby but I'm really feeling like a trainwreck and I don't want them to see that. I guess I know you've seen worse from me. Anyways, if you want to just ignore this message, that's fine, I get it. No hard feelings or whatever, but, well, here's the deal. I found my mom.

I think. I really hope. Or maybe I don't hope, I don't know. Like I said, trainwreck. I've been looking for her for a while now actually. All dad really knew was that she went out East, like 22 years ago, so that was a lot of help. She doesn't have facebook or any kind of social media thing as far as I can tell, but fortunately Raven Branwen isn't such a common name. I had a few leads, but honestly I wasn't super hopeful about any of this.

Tried a few places in the midwest, but they were mostly on the way to this bar in Jacksonville, Florida. It was the best lead I had, her name with a picture of her and a few other people. Apparently they founded this place together and called it The Raven's Nest. Guess me and dad aren't the only ones with a bad sense of humor.

So yeah, a picture, which was great, but it was taken like nineteen fucking years ago, so who actually knew if she was still there, right? Still, best shot, so I had to take it. Side note, I don't remember my third birthday at all, but my dad does have this super adorable picture of it. I had apparently decided I loved cake and needed to share that love with the whole world, so when dad left to go get his camera, I shoved my hands in the cake before Summer could stop me. By the time dad got back, I had packed my mouth full of cake and was trying to smear the rest over Ruby in her high chair. She was laughing and Summer was just standing over us trying to be strict, but when dad took the picture she was laughing harder than Ruby was. When that picture was taken, my mom was opening a bar in Jacksonville fucking Florida.

Sorry, I'm a little drunk typing this and drinking makes me rambly. But you know that. Anyways, thank god for spell check, right?

So it took me a while, mostly because I still had other leads I didn't feel like backtracking to follow up on, but I finally got out East, saw the Atlantic and everything. I think that's been my favorite thing I've seen since I've come out here. I mean, yeah, if you look at it, it looks just the same as the Pacific, but then you think about how it faces the wrong direction. It's the passage to the rest of the freaking world. It was really nice. I wish you could have seen it.

Sorry, rambling again. The bar's still here, apparently it was started as this biker place, so mom was a biker (insert like-mother-like-daughter joke here). The guy who's running the place now said he bought it like, fourteen years ago. He actually met Raven when he bought it, said she was eager to get rid of it, she was tired of being in one place for so long. Quick depressing fact of the day: mom stuck with this bar approximately 10000000% longer than she decided to stick with me.

All he could tell me was that he thought they went north and the group she was with called themselves "Tribal Heartache." At least I'm learning that my mom has always been an edgy teenager at heart. I was kind of running low on funds at this point, so I started having to move slower, take some odd jobs as I headed north. Because I know you'll ask, no, I'm not driving Bumblebee. I took Summer's old station wagon. It took me ages to get it started again, but dad said as long as I could fix it up, I could have it. You know me, I love tinkering with stuff. Hell, half the reason I bought Bumblebee in the first place was because I really wanted to take a bike apart and see how it worked. I'm just lucky he could never bring himself to sell that old car. I've been living out of it mostly. Saved me a lot of money, but food and gas still cost things, so odd jobs it is. Good thing I've got a trade, right? I've been wandering for a while now, trying to go anywhere that they have a decent biker population because a) best chance at tracking these Tribal Heartache people, and b) there are a lot of dumb people who like bikes but have no idea how to take care of them. Plus I don't ask awkward questions like "is it registered?" or "why doesn't this bike have vin numbers?" and stuff like that.

I finally ended up in this city called Augusta. Apparently it's, like, directly on this one well-known motorcycle trail that people love to take, so all the dive bars are also biker joints. Somebody I asked mentioned that Tribal Heartache comes through every couple months, so I've been here a while. I got a job bartending at their preferred place, just been waiting around to see if they would show. And they did. Mom wasn't with them, obviously, but one of the older guys told me that he'd known her and that they still wrote letters to each other sometimes (letters? Geez, not only is she an edgy teen, but she's an edgy teen from, like, the 80s). Last time he got a letter from her wasn't that long ago, it was dated back in July. The return address was for a PO box in Detroit. My mom was in Detroit, like, three months ago.

And that's as far as I got until the "oh shit, maybe I'm not crazy and, like, this could be a real thing what the fuck am I supposed to do now" started setting in. Because, I mean, I didn't come out here just to look for Raven, you know? That was more like the excuse. That was, like, okay, I'll go until I run out of trail to follow and then I'll find a new direction to go in arbitrarily. I figured there was no way I'd catch a break like this. I mean, a few months, sure, she could still be gone, and maybe by the time I make it to Detroit, she will be, but I never thought I'd be this close, and it's super weird and I've been drinking a lot. It's not really helping.

I honestly don't know what I expect you to say, or what you could do to help or whatever. I'm just not in a good place right now and you've always been best at handling me like that so, yeah. I'm sorry. I really need you right now.

\--

No I don't know where I'm going  
But I sure know where I've been  
Hanging on the promises of yesterday  
And I've made up my mind  
I ain't wasting no more time

Here I go again.

Sent from: **Augusta Georgia**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This piece is something of an experimental collaboration between myself and elfen1012, author of the much-acclaimed fanfic, Choice. She will be writing for Blake's emails while I write Yang's. Mostly chapters will consist of a single email like this, although that is subject to change with the nature of exchanges (a series of shorter emails may be posted together as a single chapter for example).
> 
> I highly encourage you to check out elfen1012's other work if you like this story. She's been a huge inspiration to me and the reason I started putting my own stuff out there in the first place.
> 
> That's all for now. Cheers.


	2. Safe...ish

Re:Sorry but I’m really frea...

Blakey <Shadesofnightshade@gmail.com>  
to me | 12:39  AM (4 minutes ago)

Yang Xiao Long,

I wasn’t suppose to get this.

I don’t even use this email anymore. I was transferring my crunchyroll account and needed to log in. I’m not going to lie Yang, I didn’t expect an email. Definitely not about your mom. I’m not sure where I have room to talk, but for whatever it’s worth,  I hope the meeting goes well. Be prepared if it doesn’t. You might hate me for it if you don’t already, but she didn’t want to be found. Be careful. I can’t imagine a mother hurting her child, but I also can’t imagine one who would leave you behind. She’s not what I would consider a predictable woman.

She also certainly won’t be like Summer.

IF you find her, are you going to come back? Do you have even the faintest of plans on what to do? Ruby’s rooming with me for now, so you won’t be able to just get your apartment. Should I tell Ruby to start looking for one bedrooms for yourself? Have you even told Ruby what’s going on? Does she or Tai know you’re safe...ish? I have no desire  to butt into your family life, but she’s my roomie, and a good girl, she deserves to know.

Also side note, It’s not my business, but you should keep off the drinks. Alcoholism runs in your family. Just because Qrow’s functioning doesn’t mean it’s the life anyone would have wanted for you. Tai’s going to kill you.

Why am I even lecturing you? You’ll just do your thing. It’s late, and I just don’t know how to reply to this. I’m wondering if I should, but I’m too tired to care. Work has me up at eight, thank god for the MAX or I’d have to get a car and be up even earlier.  

You don’t even know about my new job do you?

I’m getting unfocused, sorry. Your mom, that’s a huge deal and I know I’ve been kicking you for it this whole email, but I do honestly wish you well. I grew up with the best of parents (Dad still talks about you btw, it’s annoying.) so that’s a hole I don’t understand, but I respect. I hope you find whatever personal truth you’re hunting the wilds for.

Seems like your search is taking you far. It’s not till your email I even realized, I’ve never seen an ocean aside from the pacific. How do you forget something like that? I always considered myself well traveled because you know, growing up in the Philippines. I barely remember any place other than Oregon. Maybe when you use to drag us to Cali or seattle for those dumb music festivals, but, and don’t you dare tell anyone this, I had to actually break out google maps to understand your little trip.

Especially  Ruby, far as she knows I can find Jacksonville on a globe blind.

I don’t know why I’m asking, but if we ever talk again, does it feel the same? The other end of the continent I mean. I’m sorry, for all my lecturing about the drinking, I did have a few glasses of wine before writing this. Felt like appropriate prep.

Do you even like red wine?

I keep getting off track. Your mom. Facing her she’s probably not going to recognize you, and may not even want to. Bring protection, still got the spray I bought you? You’re not going to punch your way through a street gang and I sure as hell can’t patch you up. If you’re sleeping in Summer’s car, bring some blankets. It’s colder there at night than Portland. I’m looking at the weather in Detroit it’s near freezing at night.

Maybe just come back to Tai’s. He talks about you too, you know?

Sincerely,

Blake Belladonna

P.S. I’m deleting this email, it’s too childish and sends the wrong message, if you need to contact me again, use BlakeBelladonna92@gmail.com Maybe next time sober. Be safe Yang.

\--

 _'Tis the last rose of summer,_  
_Left blooming alone;_  
_All her lovely companions_  
_Are faded and gone;_  
_No flower of her kindred,_  
_No rosebud is nigh,_  
_To reflect back her blushes,  
Or give sigh for sigh._

_-Last Rose of Summer by Thomas Moore_

Sent from: **Portland, Oregon**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Everyone! I’m elfen1012, writer of Choice: a modern AU, the Vale series, and other small goodies like Paradise Lost and the Their world series. I’m happy to work as the guest writer on this fic. The small size means it’ll likely update faster than anything else I write! Hope you enjoy! Later all! - Elfen


	3. Roaming

**(Draft)** (no subject)

Yang <Fireballin17@beacon.edu>  
to Blakey | (Last edit was 8 hours ago)

Im not coming home blake, not for a long time if ever. I had to go cause there was so many things i needed to see and do, how can u not get this?? I mean, i nver thought i had to explain to u why i had to go do this, not when u were always the one who hated being tied down, who wouldnt even let me move into her place despite fucking for like god knows how long okay? So what, I’m good enough for that but not to live with u?? Guess ruby is though. Jesus. 

Your SUPPOSED to be out here with me, seeing all of this with me, together, not stuck behind some desk job with a daily routein and whatever. I mean, jesus blake, that’s not YOU! Its US, remmeber? Blake and yang, us dammit. Who gave a rats ass if we didn’t know what we were, we were TOGETHER! And i really fucking miss that, okay?

I want you back.

Goddamnit im way too drunk for this.

* * *

 

New email, huh?

Yang <Fireballin17@beacon.edu>  
to Blakey | 11:46 AM (0 minutes ago)

I can’t even tell you how good it is to hear from you! Also, I’m 100% sober this time, sorry for the kind of drunk ramblings last time. 

I read your email a few times. I think you’re right, I definitely need to temper my expectations. I mean, not that I have, like, a ton of those going into this, but yeah things could definitely go badly. I mean, she may not even want to see me at all. But I know if I don’t go out there, if I got this close and never even tried to see her, I would regret it for the rest of my life. And that’s kind of the whole reason I came out here, you know? I don’t want to get to the end of the line and look back and see all the things I  _ didn’t _ do. 

I know she won’t be like Summer was though. I’m not, like, looking for a new mom. As far as I’m concerned, Summer  _ was _ my mom. I still miss her, even after all this time, but I would never try to replace her. I just need to ask some questions. Questions only Raven is going to be able to answer for me.

Anyways, I guess I just really wanted to say thanks. I don’t know how you do it, but you always find a way to put things into perspective really well. I’m feeling better, and I already called the bar to tell them I wasn’t coming back. As soon as the hangover wears off, I’m going to start heading northwest.

But, until then, I’ve got some time to kill and apparently a lot of things I’ve missed out on back in Portland. So Ruby let the lease on our place go, huh? It wasn’t because of financial reasons, right? I mean, I left her enough rent money to get by while she found a new roommate, plus I know dad’s been helping her with her share while she’s still in school. I guess the most shocking thing about you two moving in together is that you finally agreed to get a roommate, haha. I always thought you had some sort of paranoia about somebody else signing your lease with you. I mean, sure, I may have  _ practically _ lived there, but not like,  _ technically _ .

So what’s this new job? I know you were talking about moving downtown when we graduated, but I guess if Ruby’s moved in with you, you can’t be too far from campus. Are you getting to write at all? I’m imagining you working at some sort of publishing company or something, haha.

What’s dad been saying about me? I haven’t really talked to him since I left. I guess, I dunno, I just feel really guilty. I mean, he did so much to help me when I was in school, especially financially, and now I’m just kind of… roaming. I mean, I feel like I need to do this, but it still sucks because I don’t want him to think that I don’t appreciate everything he did for me and everything he gave me, you know? Would you mind telling him that I’m safe and I miss him? Ruby too. I emailed her back when I left, let her know kind of what was going on and everything, but I haven’t been in touch since. I know, I know, I’m being a bad big sister, but Ruby’s a smart kid. She’s had me looking over her shoulder her whole life, I’m sure she could use a break from that. Besides, I know she can handle herself.

Just, tell her I miss her, okay?

Let’s see, what else? Oh! Yeah, other side of the world? Totally feels different. It’s not just looking different (although it definitely does) but it  _ feels _ different too, you know? It’s hard to explain, but I guess an example would be how the cities affect the world differently. Yeah, that came out kind of weird psycho-spiritual thing, but hear me out: back home, the world kind of revolved around the cities. The cities were the center of culture and shit, it was the most important thing about where you lived is what city it was nearest. But out here, the cities are sort of...incidental? I think that’s the word I want. A city is just a name. Sure there may be a lot of tall buildings here, but it’s not the important thing. What’s more important is the place as a whole, the gatherings all around the cities. In some ways, it makes the southeast feel bigger. Everywhere’s important to somebody.

I don’t know, I’m not great at expressing this kind of thing. You were always way better with words than me. You’d just have to experience it for yourself. I’ve always said we should travel more. I could get us a place for a little while if you wanted to come out and visit, you know. Or I could just pick you up at whatever airport I’m nearest and we could drive for a while. I mean, if you wanted to. Or could get away from your job (seriously, what do you do??). 

I miss you too. I hope you know that. You know, as if I wasn’t making that super obvious, haha.

Anyways, hope to hear back from you soon! Good luck with everything Blakey.

\--

No I don’t know where I’m going  
But I sure know where I’ve been  
Hanging on the promises of yesterday  
And I’ve made up my mind  
I ain’t wasting no more time

Here I go again.

Sent from:  **Augusta Georgia**


	4. Destitute

Re:New email, huh?

Blakey <BlakeBelladonna92@gmail.com>  
to me | 3:18 AM (2 hours ago)

No, I don’t work for a publishing company.

I work at Atlas Technical Solutions as an assistant to an assistant software engineer. It’s a nine to five white walls and glass cubicles, Standing desks are all the rage and I can feel pressure building in my knuckles by the time we get off. I never thought I’d be using java passed updating Menagerie’s website, and yet there I am reading fan fiction while I’m suppose to be growing a MongoDB database.

If you’re worried, Menagerie’s still running. Velv’s living the dream on the back of unpaid interns. It was time to grow up, face the real world. Volunteering at a literary press just didn’t match up, and even if writing accounting software feels like peeling off my nails, it’s the best opportunity I’m going to get with my degree. About time to get crushed beneath the hammer of capitalism. Lol

Sorry It’s my turn to have a few drinks, we’re celebrating one of Ruby’s tests with her classmate Weiss. I’m the shitty plus one on her phone the entire night. Despite just being one year, the sea of difference between us, a graduate and a student feels insurmountable right now. I’ve never felt so old, listening to them moan about midterms. When did I become an old lady, grey and destitute? Lol What am I talking about.

I told her btw. We both were looking for cheaper places, my works near campus, right on the riverbank. Found a great two bedroom right over the highway, near the imperial arms apartments and goose hollow. She’s easy to live with, despite the energy rush. She keeps things clean, aside from the hurricane rampage that is her room. We all have fears, being dependent on someone else is finally one I’m getting over. Maybe.

I’m glad you’re being quite realistic about this. You’ve always been a bit of a quagmire of maturity and immaturity and I mean that as well as it can be. Be careful on the roads, are you use to snow driving? I remember taking the wheel for most of our trips to Mt. Hood. I don’t think I’m going this winter. Just don’t have the time.

And all we ever hear about the southeast is it being a bunch of red necks. Not that I believed it. Just another blind spot in the corner of my mind.

Don’t worry about what your dad says. It’s nothing bad, just a few lines when he comes over. He misses you, misses you dearly I think, but at the same time, I think he gets you leaving better than anyone. He’s more realistic than you for sure, but if it wasn’t for the beautiful baby in his arms, he would have hunted her down with the same gusto. He’s like a rock now because he had you to watch out for. No one lives life in a bubble, and maybe it's for the better. We all got Summer out of it, although not as long as we should’ve. Knowing that, call him. I think he’s seen enough doors shut on his face for a lifetime.

Maybe punt Raven in the cunt for him too.

I’ve been avoiding this, but do you really think we should be talking about traveling together? I mean I can’t even get time off. I’ve got no seniority so it’s dangerous to even touch my vacation days.

I guess if you can dodge when you’re coming back, I can skip this for now.

\--  
Blake Belladonna  
(458) 555-7929  
linkedin.com/in/b.belladonna

Sent From:  **Portland Oregon**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, Fawkes chiming in real quick on elfen's chapter - I made a tiny formatting error with some of the past e-mails, listing their sent time in the wrong time zone depending on who was reading it. I've gone back and edited the mistakes and everything should be right as rain. Nitpick, but it's the little things that count.
> 
> Cheers.


	5. Busted

Re:New email, huh?

Yang Xiao Long <Fireballin17@beacon.edu>  
to me | 7:52 PM (10 minutes ago)

I guess Ruby didn’t have much to say, huh? I guess that kind of figures. I’m glad you’re there watching out for her. She’s still hanging around with the Ice Queen? I just remembered her having a stick so far up her ass I was surprised she could sit down. Guess I don’t really get to vet her friends if I’m not around though, huh?

I’ve been sitting here staring at my phone for ages trying to figure out what to type. I guess I hope this job of yours works out. It sounds like kind of a nightmare though, and honestly, I never really saw you as the type to just settle for whatever was easiest. But hey, I guess I never saw you as the type to get a roommate, or the type to go to college parties so maybe I just don’t know you anymore. 

Yeah, yeah, I get it, I left. I shouldn’t complain that my sister doesn’t have anything to say to me, or that my whatever-the-hell-I-get-to-call-you-today has changed, but I honestly don’t know what you expected me to do. I have a business degree for fuck’s sake. It’s what I wrote down when I did orientation freshman year because it sounded like something that would make a college education worth it, and I just never found anything better. I had no passion for it, no inspiration, just some vague idea about opening a garage somewhere down the line. News flash, I can do that anywhere, and there are probably way better places for it than Portland freaking Oregon.

I’m sorry, I’m just irritated. You say I’m “dodging the question” or whatever, but I’m not Blake. I’m just sick and tired of repeating myself. I’m sick of you not believing me. I told you when I made the decision to travel. I told you I might not come back, that if I found some place I really liked, I’d consider circling back, but ultimately I wanted to see more of the world. You’ve always treated this like some sort of phase, like I’m some stubborn child who’s pretending to be an astronaut or something. This is my LIFE, and this is the way I want to live it.

Well, almost the way I want to live it. 

Sorry again. I wish I could say I was drunk this time, but I’m not. That’s kind of irritating too, you know, that I’m holding off for your sake when you’re a continent away. I stopped for the night, pulled into some city and found a parking lot that didn’t say anything about leaving a car overnight explicitly so I could get wasted. Hell, I’m looking at the bottle, and I really want to start drinking, because I’ve got a lot of shit going on in my head and it helps me sleep. But I care so damn much about what you think of me. 

It helps keep me warm, too. The nights are getting colder. 

I miss you so much.

Fuck, what is this email even turning into? Busted, okay? I’m not entirely fine. I felt weird after sending you the email about Raven, and even though I was so ecstatic to hear back from you, at the same time it felt like you were acting weird and I’m beginning to think this whole thing might have been a mistake. I’m frustrated, for a lot of reasons, mostly ones you know, but also because that job you have now? That job I know you hate, the kind of job you swore you’d never take is the reason we’re not together right now. And I’m frustrated because you moved into an apartment with  _ my sister _ , but whenever you talked to me about moving downtown, I was never invited. And that was way before I started talking about traveling. I know, okay? I waited. I wanted you to ask, Blake, for once I wanted to feel like I was important enough for you to ask. How many times did I ask you to come with me? Why was I always the one who had to follow you around like a lost little puppy, desperately trying to earn your approval? 

Why did you have to be drunk before you’d tell me you loved me?

I’m sorry. I’m letting myself get emotional, and unfortunately that means I’m probably going to end up sending this instead of just deleting it like I should and sending you another “everything’s fine” message. 

I am grateful you’re there looking out for my family. Really. Tell dad I’ll call him, just...not yet. I want to get this Raven thing over with first. One way or another, either she’s there or she’s not. I think I’m just about dead enough inside right now to handle it.

\--

No I don’t know where I’m going  
But I sure know where I’ve been  
Hanging on the promises of yesterday  
And I’ve made up my mind  
I ain’t wasting no more time

Here I go again.

Sent from:  **Lancaster Ohio**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I enjoy writing most when I get to hurt my characters. That might say something about me as a human being, but whatever, I'm enjoying myself, and hopefully you are too! Check back in a few days for Elfen's chapter, I already know she's going to lay on the feels.
> 
> Leave a review if you have some feedback for us, and feel free to check out our other stuff!
> 
> That's all for today. Cheers.


	6. Shaking

**(Draft)** Re:New email, huh?

Blake Belladonna <BlakeBelladonna92@gmail.com>  
to Yang Xiao Long | (Last edit was 1 minute ago)

So many things I could just strangle you! I can’t even begin my hands are shaking...

Oh you’re mad at Ruby not talking? You talked to her for the first time in months through ME! You left her behind, now you're mad she’s not jumping at the bit when you feel like  offering some scraps. How about you pick up the fucking phone? Ruby’s trying to be strong without you around, but all that matters is you huh? 

Lost puppy? I didn’t ask you to be! I tried to keep you away. I tried so hard. Everyone always ends up so fucked up. I can’t even tell if I’m the one making people that way. I’m just always the one crying alone. 

You know what pisses me off the most? Saying shit like “This is my life” like you live in a bubble like you're the only one effected by you! You took your father's money and went to college didn’t you? Did you think he owed you that? Or your car, you don’t think maybe Ruby could have used one, you know her  _ mother’s _ ? You wanted to move in with me so bad so what? You could leave me a year later with rent I can’t cover at your fucking convenience? What would the point be to letting you in more? You took a place in everyone's hearts and festered there. We all loved you. You made yourself important to us, tried to break every barrier we put up, promising you  wouldn’t hurt us. But that’s while we were convenient. You only want us on your terms. When we get in your way, well then it's time for your favorite line, “I just need to be free.” 

This is why I don’t want to love you.

  
No matter what I say, you’ll use freedom as your justification for using everyone up around you. Some people are worth more than adventures, but what do I expect. You’re your mother's daughter. 

I know it, because I do it too and I’m tired of hurting people. My legs can’t run anymore. So what if I lose a bit of myself being normal? So what if my dream dies? Do you really think a hack like me could have actually made it? The world's not a fairy tale Yang and... Doesn’t even matter. None of this matters. This whole email doesn’t fucking matter.  

\--

Blake Belladonna  
(458) 555-7929  
linkedin.com/in/b.belladonna

 

**Are you sure you want to delete this draft?**

 


	7. Choices

(no subject)

Yang Xiao Long <Fireballin17@beacon.edu>  
to me | 12/25/15

Hey Blake.

I know you don’t want to talk to me, so no pressure, you don’t have to answer. It’s Christmas, and I’m hanging out and drinking with some friends, and I’ve had enough to justify sending you an email, so here I am.

I thought you should know that I finally called dad. I wasn’t going to before this whole Raven thing was over, but it turns out, Detroit’s kind of a big place and a PO box that gets visited infrequently and erratically isn’t the world’s best lead. Anyways, I broke down around Thanksgiving and called him for the first time in a while. Called him a few more times since, plus earlier today. I’ve been talking to Ruby some too. We don’t talk about a lot, but it's been good to hear her voice. Dad’s too.

I’m trying to be a better big sister, calling once a week or so, just checking in and that sort of thing. Ruby told me she’s graduating this year. That’s huge for her. I always knew she was brilliant, glad to see she’s getting out of there and looking at grad schools already. Guess that means she graduates with the Ice Queen, right?

I think I heard you in the background on Thanksgiving, and maybe again today? I don’t know, I could just be that desperate to hear your voice, but if you are there, I’m glad. I wasn’t sure if you were going to get home to see your folks or not this holiday season, but I’m at least glad you weren’t alone.

Last time I talked to Ruby, she said you missed me. I didn’t laugh, you should be proud of me. Guess we’re keeping up appearances huh?

Sorry, that was a little bitchyer than I meant it to come off. Maybe you do miss me. Is it bad that  I hope you do?

Sorry, I’ll shut up before the drunk rambling starts again.

Merry Christmas Blake. Have a drink on me.

\--

Re:(no subject)

Yang Xiao Long <Fireballin17@beacon.edu>  
to me | 1/1 (21 days ago)

Some times i think i made a mistake.

Not like all the time, or evn a lot. But sometimes. Liek how ur not here. And i didnt kiss u at midnight.

Guys are terrible kissers.

Happy newy ears Blakey.

Miss u.

\--

Re:(no subject)

Yang Xiao Long <Fireballin17@beacon.edu>  
to me | 12:22 PM (9 hours ago)

Well, I found her.

I’m meeting her. Tonight. A few hours actually. I’m going to email you after. Consider this a warning I guess, ignore the next email from me if you don’t want a bunch of unnecessary drama. If you’re actually reading my emails anymore. Which you might not be. Christ I’m pathetic.

Before you say anything, yes, I know I should talk to dad or Ruby about it. I just can’t. I’m sure Dad has all his own emotional shit tied up in his ex that it’s not fair to drag out of him and Ruby...it’s not her problem. I don’t need to make it her problem, not when she’s got to focus on graduating and grad school applications.

I guess I shouldn’t make it your problem either, but I can’t deal with it alone and you drew the short straw. Lucky you.

\--

Re:(no subject)

Yang Xiao Long <Fireballin17@beacon.edu>  
to me | 2:17 AM (6 minutes ago)

Waited until I sobered up to message you. Took a while.

I don’t know what I was expecting, Blake, I really don’t. But it wasn’t that.

Sorry, I’m going to go back a little bit here. I asked the guys at the post office about the box she had. It was in her name, and after I convinced one of the tellers I was her daughter, he told me that she didn’t visit her PO box regularly. Apparently only a couple times a month, and never with any sort of discernable pattern. It kind of killed my first idea which was basically going to be to park outside the post office for a week and watch the box until she showed up. I had to put  boots on the ground and actually do some digging. Digging meant time, since Detroit is, you know, a big fucking city. Time means money, and possibly also somewhere to sleep that isn’t my station wagon. So, I’ve set down a root or two. I’m subletting somebody’s place downtown for cheap, and I found a garage that would park my car and put me to work. It’s actually been pretty nice. Met a few people. There’s this guy I work with now, Sun, you would like him. Bit of a grease monkey, but he’s always upbeat and he can hold his liquor like a champ. He’s got some friends I’ve been hanging out with. So, you know, I haven’t been totally alone or obsessing or anything. Well, I haven’t been alone at least.

It’s been kind of nice having a social life again, not to mention a bed to sleep on. Plus, having friends who know the city pretty well was a big help with my search. They’d take me somewhere new every couple of nights, dive bars, biker joints, some other garages, and everywhere I went, I’d flash Raven’s picture trying to get a hit. Probably would have been smarter just to drop a letter in her PO box, but I had this kind of crazy notion that if I did, she’d just ignore it and I’d never get anywhere.

Took three months of searching and drinking my way through half of Detroit’s nightlife, but eventually, I found a bartender who recognized her. Turns out, I was in the wrong kind of bars. Weird thing was, I wasn’t even looking for her that night. Sun and his friends just said we should go out dancing, so we ended up at a place called Junior’s. The security there all wore suits, and it was kinda ritzier than I would have ever thought to look for Raven, just based on the six things I know about her.

But the guy who owned the place - who actually goes by Junior btw - had seen her in there once or twice. He pointed out a few regulars, and finally, _finally_ I managed to get a phone number off of some guy who said they’d met there for drinks a week ago.

So I had a phone number. And I called her.

She hung up on me when I told her I was her daughter. It took a few more times before she picked up again.

She wanted to know if this was some scam. I told her my name, and my dad’s name. Then she told me if I was looking for money, I was shit out of luck. I told her I just wanted to meet her. So she gave me a time and a place.

She was late. When she did show up, she took one look at me, then ordered two shots of tequila before she even said hello. So at least I know she’s related to Qrow for sure.

It was really awkward at first. I mean...it was so surreal. We look really similar, even I can tell that. I guess that’s kind of a good thing, guess at the very least I’ll age well, right? Ugh, bad joke, I know. She asked me how I found her. I told her. She asked me why I was there. I told her that too. I told her I wanted to know why she left. I wanted to know what kind of person my mother was.

I’ll give her this much: she didn’t try to bullshit me. She didn’t give me any line about how she thought about me every day, or how much she missed me or regretted leaving. She told me...okay, I’m going to try and get as close to her words as possible, but I wasn’t, like, taking notes or anything, so I’m going to end up paraphrasing. Here it goes:

She told me that, the whole time she was pregnant with me, she tried her hardest not to think about the future. She said that I had been an accident, unplanned. She and dad were just out of college, not married, and I just happened. None of that’s news, dad’s told me as much. What he didn’t tell me was that, once he found out, he started making all these big plans. He started talking about getting married, and what raising me would do for their careers, and if Raven didn’t want to quit her job, that was fine, but they’d both have to try to work from home more so that they could raise me. And that...freaked her out. Really bad. Then, I was born, and she said that it felt like suddenly, her life was boiled down to one or two pre-determined paths. Like suddenly, she didn’t have any choices to make any more, no options to explore or discover. The things she’d wanted to do, any plans she might have had, gone. Her life became what kind of wedding she wanted, or if she was ready to be a housewife, and a house with a white picket fence. She said it scared the hell out of her, that she never wanted that life. And until she’d gotten pregnant, she didn’t know how much Tai did want it. She realized that they no longer had a life together, that there was no future where they both wound up happy. So instead of being miserable, she left.

She said she wasn’t proud of how she left things, but she wasn’t sorry for doing it.

I didn’t cry or anything when she told me. I didn’t really know what to feel. I was very...numb. I guess that’s a good word. Numb. I mean, ever since dad told me Summer wasn’t my real mom, I’ve been dying to know everything she’d told me. I should have felt sad, or happy, or satisfied, or...something. But there wasn’t anything there anymore.

So we had a few more drinks after that. At first, it was really awkward. I mean, what do you say to somebody who just bared your soul to them on demand, much less when that somebody is your estranged mother? Fortunately, a healthy thirst runs in the family. We were kind of unconsciously matching each other, going drink for drink. We never had, like, a spoken drinking contest going on, it was just something that sort of happened. Then, at some point, things just were less awkward. Maybe it’s just because we both wound up drunk, but I felt like I could just kind of spend time with her, and like, push the whole drama of the situation away, you know? In a weird way, it was kind of like the nights we’d drink together. When everything was just easy all of a sudden.

She’s actually kind of cool to hang out with. We have a really similar sense of humor. She actually asked me some questions about myself, which I wasn’t expecting. I don’t know, maybe it was just the booze, but it actually felt...weirdly normal. Like I was just catching up with my mom.

It’s like, I know I should feel so much more angry at her than I do, but in a lot of ways we are so similar. I can’t even say I don’t understand why she left, you know? Because what the fuck did I do? I saw a life I didn’t like, post-grad, no plans, no you...and I left. I didn’t like my options, so I made a third and took it.

How the fuck do I know I wouldn’t have done the same thing if I was in her shoes?

I know what you’ll say, and yes, you’re right. She hurt dad. She left me. But, think about if she hadn’t. I mean, if she hadn’t left, Ruby would never have been born. I would have never known Summer. And what would have replaced that life? Being raised by a possibly alcoholic mother who resented me for forcing her to live a life she never wanted to lead?

How am I supposed to feel about that?

She left a few hours ago. Apparently she works the graveyard shift somewhere that doesn’t matter if she shows up smelling like an open bar. But...she said I could call her again. And we could even talk some more if I wanted. She was pretty nonchalant about it. Which just makes things more confusing.

I don’t know. I might take her up on it.

Or not. Maybe I’ll be more angry in the morning.

I don’t know anymore Blake. I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel, or what it’s okay to feel. I feel guilty for being glad that things didn’t turn immediately into a shitshow. I feel guilty that I understand my mother and that we have so much in common. I feel awful because she’s not the terrible person I always imagined she’d be, and that we both want so many of the same things. In some ways, it feels like I’m betraying dad because I don’t hate her, and it feels like I’m betraying Summer, because I might actually have a shot at having a mother again. It sucks so much, and I don’t know how to process any of this. I don’t know what to do.

But I’m not sorry I met her. And I just...I can’t bring myself to hate her.

I think I’m going to try to see her again. Maybe. I mean, I have a place and a job here. No reason to ditch just yet. I don’t know where I’d go if I did.

Besides, she’s my mom.

\--

No I don’t know where I’m going  
But I sure know where I’ve been  
Hanging on the promises of yesterday  
And I’ve made up my mind  
I ain’t wasting no more time

Here I go again.

Sent from: **Detroit Michigan**


	8. Input

Re:(no subject)

Blakey <BlakeBelladonna92@gmail.com>  
to me | 4:18 PM (2 hours ago)   
  


I thought I’d last longer without replying. Least I made it to the new year. I’m not playing for appearances, I do miss you, I’m just not sure the you I miss even exists anymore. Are you ever sober?

I’m getting off on the wrong foot.  Yeah that was me. Ruby invited me to spend christmas and thanksgiving with her and the family. It actually snowed, only for like an evening though. Christmas day Ruby tossed me into a snowbank and Weiss buried me, a goddamn trap.  It was beautiful though. Late night, the streets were dead, flakes falling, I could see the glimmer of street lamp light bounce off the flurry. Stayed out most of the night. I’m still happy Tai keeps room for me there, though I think he’d prefer you visit. Either way it's better than me flying off to visit the wonderful Belladonna family. You know my folks, having dinner on the other side of the world. I’m not sure they’d want to see me anyways. 

But this email’s not suppose to be about me or Christmas is it? To be honest I never really thought you’d find her. Double sure that was not going to be how it went if you did.  I pictured a Christmas full of punches and kicks. 

I assume you want my input, I can’t imagine why else you’d bother talking to me. To me, Raven carried you to term, she brought a person into this world while she had other options. She wasn’t a scared teenage girl and really she didn’t even have to be there all the time, hell even at all and still be a better mother than she was. Not to mention Taiyang had a right to child support he couldn't even take her to court for! She could have left a mailing address at least, sent you a god damn teddy bear for your birthday, literally anything more. She wouldn’t take even the smallest iota of responsibility. I never met Raven, but I do know how much her choices haunted you, and I know she could have done so much more. Don’t use her as a role model.

I’m not going to fight you, but I want to make something clear, for me, for your dad, for Ruby and especially for Summer. Bringing Summer into our lives, Raven isn’t responsible for that. Raven didn’t set up getting you a mom and a baby sister and making your life better. From her perspective, she left you with a single depressed dad. She didn’t know a wonderful woman would enter your life and be your real mom, she didn’t know the Rose-Long house would have double the income, that you’d be able to afford college and a good life. Moral luck doesn’t factor in for her, she doesn’t get credit for the kind of person Summer was. I’m not telling you to hate your mom, just, I don’t really know, don’t give her the credit Summer deserves.

I’ll just hate Raven enough for the both of us instead. 

At this point I’m guessing you’ve stopped reading. I’m not going to reaffirm your moral theory, I’m not going to say it's okay for you to vanish because “well she did it too and you came out beautiful without her.” I don’t even know if I can really be happy for you, even in the way I should be. It was your dream, and I never thought there was anything wrong with you wanting to see her, I always thought you deserved answers. I still think you deserve better, and hell, I’m mature enough to know its better to have a relationship with her now than to be bitter forever. I just don’t know how to do that. 

I guess I should at least try. I’m happy you finally got to meet your mom. I’m glad you finally got to have the person in your life you always wanted.  Must be nice to finally have someone you like well enough to stick around for. 

\--

Blake Belladonna  
(458) 555-7929  
linkedin.com/in/b.belladonna

  
Sent from:  **Portland Oregon**


	9. Obsessing

Re:(no subject)

Yang Xiao Long <Fireballin17@beacon.edu>  
to me | 8:06 PM (10 minutes ago)

Sun says I shouldn’t bother emailing you back. He says that getting into it with exes never ends well. I almost argued that we weren’t exes because we were never technically “together” but if we weren’t together, what the fuck were we doing then? Besides, I think he’s mostly just hoping I’ll stop obsessing over you and fall for him instead.

He’s a perfectly nice guy. Terrible kisser, but some things can be taught. You should know all about that.

I’m so fucking sick of being hung up on you. 

In case you couldn’t tell, I’ve been drinking. And I didn’t wait to sober up this time. I didn’t want to.  _ I  _  didn’t want to, and I’m sick to death of not doing things I want to do because the girl on the other side of the world would think less of me for doing it. I haven’t changed Blake, I’m still the same person I was in college. You don’t get to cherry pick the best of me to remember fondly when you get lonely at nights, and just because you’re not here to reap the benefits when I get properly hammered doesn’t mean suddenly I’m an alcoholic. Fuck off with that holier-than-thou bullshit.

Well, we’re into it now, so no looking back I guess. Glad you got to enjoy spending time with my family over the holidays. I know how tough it can be, you know, considering what terrible people your own parents are. After all, it’s not like they were still supportive of their teenage daughter after she ran off with a delusional, delinquent psychopath. Oh wait, they were? Then they must not have approved of you continuing to live in Portland and cut you off financially, right? They didn’t do that either? So you’re telling me your parents have been nothing but loving and supportive of you  _ despite _ the many questionable decisions you made in your life?

Cry me a goddamn river Blake. Some of us have had to deal with real family drama. You can claim to be part of “our” family all you want, but when Summer died, you didn’t lose a mother. Ruby and I did. You didn’t lose a spouse, my dad did. You can pretend all you like Blake, but you are NOT a part of our family. You don’t belong there.

You know what? I get all the things you said about Raven. I do. Nothing about this is easy, and you’re right to say that I can’t just give her a pass on what she did because everything turned out okay. I don’t want you to think that I’m pissed off right now because you didn’t affirm every single one of my feelings of guilt or confusion. No, what pisses me off is that you “can’t imagine why else I’d bother talking to you.”

Seriously? Are you this fucking dense? Fine, let me spell it out for you Blake:  _ I can’t stop loving you. _ You’ve been my best friend since high school, and more than that for nearly as long. You were the first girl I  _ everythinged _ , okay? Oh, and you just so happened to be my emotional support during the single worst year of my entire life. So as much as I wake up every morning wishing I could think about you without this horrible aching in my heart, I just. Fucking. Can’t. So I’m going to keep throwing myself at you like the pathetic bimbo I apparently am until you either tell me I’m worth  _ anything _ to you, or you finally manage to rip my heart all the way out. Or possibly until Sun steals my phone and waits for me to detox or something.

I had somebody I was willing to stay for, Blake. I would have gotten some boring bullshit job in a fucking cubicle somewhere for her. Hell, I would have been a stay at home mom and raised her fucking kids for her. If she had said the word, I would have never set another foot outside Portland.

But you didn’t, Blake. You didn’t ask me to stay, and you didn’t come with me when I asked you to leave. So I left without you. I can’t be nothing to you, Blake. I couldn’t stay and be nothing to you.

There, I think that’s probably enough emotional confrontation to scare you down a hole for at least four months, right? Maybe six if I can keep from sending you more pathetically emotional emails? I wouldn’t count too much on that though. Valentine’s Day is just around the corner.

\--

No I don’t know where I’m going  
But I sure know where I’ve been  
Hanging on the promises of yesterday  
And I’ve made up my mind  
I ain’t wasting no more time

Here I go again.

Sent from:  **Detroit Michigan**

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to clarify something: At some point, AO3 started adding "Chapter by FawkesTP" to the chapters I've uploaded. I want to be perfectly clear; elfen still writes all of Blake's stuff and I only write Yang's. I just happen to handle the uploads. It didn't do it for the first half of the story so far, but it's started doing it recently. If anybody knows how to fix this, let me know in the comments.
> 
> Thanks for reading! That's all for today. Cheers.


	10. Blight

Re:(no subject)

Blakey <BlakeBelladonna92@gmail.com>  
to me | 6:52 PM (19 hours ago)

How can you, in one email, scream at me about telling you what to do and what to be while in the same stroke of keys belittle me for not demanded you stay? I keep trying to stay out of your way, but you keep taunting me, just trying to get me to react. How am I supposed to take all this? I asked when you were coming back, and you flipped out at me for it. Why do you think I won’t ask you to stay?

How can you say you love me and email me about the boys you’re kissing? How can I be cherry picking you when I’m lonely if you’re always the one sending me messages drunk and ‘desperate’? I’m not cherry picking you Yang, I’m trying to not pick you at all so you can’t keep cutting me deeper.

My parents sent me money Yang, but they didn’t come after me when I ran away. They didn’t get involved after he beat me, they didn’t even ask me about it. Summer did get involved so yes, maybe I wish she was my mom too. I liked pretending your family would want me to come back if I left them.

You know, my real parents don’t even ask me when I’m coming back?

None of this makes any sense Yang, what do you want from me? I’m just trying not to hurt anymore. I just want to feel safe and stable. Am I so wrong for that? How much do I need to pay for that?

You’ve screamed more at me in one email then you’ve done to your cunt mother after a life time of abandonment. Was staying in Oregon that fucking evil? Was wanting a pretend family that fucking wrong?

Why do you keep tormenting me? I go to work every day hating my job, regretting what I do, but for the first time ever I didn’t feel like I was a blight on someone else's life. For the first time, I'm no one’s burden, that’s my freedom, being guilt fucking free. It’s all I get for losing everything else in my life and you just stripped that little shred away from me.

You can tell Sun he doesn’t need to worry about me getting in his way anymore. I refuse to be anyone's problem anymore!

\--

Blake Belladonna  
(458) 555-7929  
linkedin.com/in/b.belladonna

Sent From: **Portland Oregon**

* * *

 

Re:(no subject)

Yang <Fireballin17@beacon.edu>  
to Blakey | 7:02 PM (19 hours ago)

What the hell is that supposed to mean? You “refuse to be anyone’s problem?” Everybody’s someone’s problem, Blake, you’re the one who told me nobody exists in a bubble. Did you even mean that, or was it just something else you were trying to use to guilt-trip me with?

\--

Re:(no subject)

Yang <Fireballin17@beacon.edu>  
to Blakey | 8:16 PM (18 hours ago)

Seriously Blake, quit fucking with me, what the hell did you mean by that?

\--

Re:(no subject)

Yang <Fireballin17@beacon.edu>  
to Blakey | 10:01 PM (16 hours ago)

Fine! Ignore me! See if I fucking care.

\--

Re:(no subject)

Yang <Fireballin17@beacon.edu>  
to Blakey | 3:41 AM (11 hours ago)

Ples just tell m ur ok or something.

\--

No I don’t know where I’m going  
But I sure know where I’ve been  
Hanging on the promises of yesterday  
And I’ve made up my mind  
I ain’t wasting no more time

Here I go again.

Sent from: **Detroit Michigan**

* * *

 

Yang Urgent!

Rubles <RedLikeRoses94@gmail.com>  
to me | 12:43 PM (2 hours ago)

Sis first off you need to get your goddamn cell service back! Ill even pay cause it is impossible to reach you! I had to dig through blakes files to get this email address, thank the lord she even has paper files!

Second and much more importantly do you have any idea where blake is? She never came home from work yesterday and shes not there today! I called her folks and they dont know either. Weiss and dad havent heard a thing and nothing out of velv or coco. Yang she left all her stuff at the house only her cars missing. Theres some broken glass on the floor from the framed photo of the carnival with you and her but other than that it doesnt look like anyones broken in.

Im scared yang should I call the cops or (and I cant believe im suggesting this) call ilia and see if hes involved? He cant be right its been years...

Yang please just tell me shes going to visit you or something? Please email me back asap

I love you.  
Ruby

\--

Sent From: **Portland, Oregon**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, this is Elfen, for asinine crediting reasons just want you to know I didn’t write the Yang bits even though it's my chapter, Yang is always Fawkes, the Ruby bit while not what I would call worth crediting over is me though. Thanks so much for reading!


	11. Talking

(458) 555-7929

 

  | 

Look, I don’t care if you don’t recognize the number, if somebody calls you fifteen freaking times, pick up! It’s Yang. Call me back.

21:06:24  
  
---|---  
  
Yang, god I hope I’m not texting a stranger, but right now we shouldn’t be talking. You are the reason they didn’t want to give me back my cellphone. Did you want the last word or something?

21:08:28

|    
  | 

Of course you’re not texting a stranger. I borrowed Sun’s phone. Who the hell didn’t want you texting me?

21:08:57  
  
For two days? My doctor. Listen, I’m sorry I hurt your feelings, but I can’t keep going with this kind of pressure.

21:10:47

|    
  | 

Fine, borrowed may be a bit of a stretch. Ruby said you just disappeared, and I got worried. What doctor? Blake, what’s going on? You’re really freaking me out.

21:11:17  
  
Ruby didn’t fill you in then? That’s nice actually. I’m glad she respects my privacy. Nothing I say is going to make you happy. Physically I’m fine. This is your one chance to leave it at that and walk away.

21:12:37

|    
  | 

Like hell I’m leaving it like that! I’m a big girl, I can handle it. What I can’t handle is the constant worrying.

21:13:01  
  
I didn’t ask you to worry, it’s actually the opposite of what I want. There is no easy way to do this so just

21:13:46

|    
  
After I got your email, I just, I drove to Tillamook and just I planned on jumping the rocks. I didn’t of course, cause I’m texting you, but I got there and I was going to. Honestly, I keep laughing at this, the dumbest thing in the world stopped me. I was standing there and it hit me. “Shit there is no way Ruby can make rent this week without me.” I literally drove back planning to wait a week till the rent was due, but half way to portland I decided to move toward salem and turned myself over to a mental health clinic.

21:15:18

|    
  | 

I’m coming home. Tomorrow. I’ll leave first thing in the morning.

21:20:57  
  
What? Why?

21:21:04

|    
  | 

Are you fucking kidding me? Why?? Because you tried to kill yourself!

21:21:19  
  
Did you not understand anything about what I was saying to you? Do you really think sitting around with someone who seems to hate me most of the time while she wishes she was anywhere else is really going to be good for my mental health?

21:22:14

|    
  
Yang, do you even understand what you sent me when you did?

21:22:24

|    
  | 

Look, I was upset, I was hurting. I said some things I shouldn’t have, things I didn’t mean. That doesn’t mean I hate you, I’ve never hated you. I can’t.

21:23:09  
  
It feels like hate.

21:23:49

|    
  | 

Why won’t you pick up? Please, I want to talk to you.

21:26:56  
  
I can’t pick up, I’m not suppose to be talking to you remember? Even if I could, honestly do you think that’s even a good idea?

21:27:40

|    
  | 

Yes! Look, obviously I fucked up. I fucked up worse than I have ever fucked up to put us where we are right now. But you have to understand, I didn’t mean it. Whatever it was, Blake, I was just lashing out. I was angry, and drunk, and confused. I love you, you have to know that I love you more than anything.

21:28:54  
  
 

  | 

Please, don’t shut me out. Let me fix this.

21:29:10  
  
---|---  
  
I...I appreciate the apology coded into that. Yang, try not to get your hopes up, but I do love you too. I’m just not sure if love has been good for either of us. I’ve always been broken goods, and I don’t think either of us are dumb enough to believe you’re free of some troubling complications.

21:30:08

|    
  | 

I know I’m not perfect, jesus, I’m about the furthest thing from perfect there is. You have no idea how awful I feel right now, how much I hurt you… But when you say you love me...Do you mean that? Seriously? Because these aren’t just words I’m throwing around because I feel guilty. I love you. I always have.

21:31:35  
  
  | 

And I sure as hell don’t care that you’re not perfect. It doesn’t make me love you any less. And if that is how you feel, if we do love each other, then what the hell have we been doing, Blake? Why are we torturing ourselves? What’s stopping us from just being together?

21:31:59  
  
Yang you need to start seeing the forest and stop seeing the trees. Feelings haven’t been the problem for a long time Yang. That’s the fundamental thing you don’t seem to get.

21:32:32

|    
  
The reason I’ve kept my distance has nothing to do with how I feel about you, and everything to do with what we do to each other. What will almost certainly do again.

21:33:01

|    
  | 

What is it exactly that you're afraid of us doing to each other? Because I'm really struggling to come up with what we did together that was so horrible.

21:33:46  
  
How have we handled the last couple of months? How are you going to handle my fears, insecurities, handle being locked away with me someplace you’ll probably hate. How will I handle your drinking, handling knowing at any point you might just leave? How do I look your family in the eye when I know I don’t belong there?

21:34:55

|    
  
I’ve been in two relationships in my life, one with an abuser, the other with a girl that enabled my abuser to come back into my life. I know I can’t handle living in perpetual fear of you leaving. I’ve known that for years. Yang you take the short view on things, it's part of your charm, but I always take the long view.

21:35:27

|    
  
And it’s always awful.

21:35:31

|    
  | 

There's… a lot here. Give me a sec okay? I want to get this right. I've never been as good with words as you.

21:35:46  
  
  | 

First of all, I owe you an apology. What I said, about you and my family, it was stupid. No, it was beyond stupid. It was petty and mean and cruel, and above everything else, it wasn't true. I was jealous, Blake. I was insanely, stupidly jealous. I felt used, like you'd only ever bothered to humor me because you liked my family. I mean, after so long desperately hoping you'd ask me to move in with you, only for you to move in with Ruby the minute I left… can't you see how that would make me feel? Then it started feeling like you were replacing me with dad and Ruby, taking my place and I just… I lost it. But it wasn't fair to lash out at you like that. I can't tell you how sorry I am that I said that. If I had known how it would make you feel...no, I should have known, that’s not an excuse. I wanted to hurt you, and I did. That’s unacceptable. If...if you can ever forgive me for it, I can promise you it will never happen again.

21:39:47  
  
  | 

As for the rest,  it seems like all those things you mentioned we did to each other, none of those happened before I left. Hell, half of them are hypothetical. I can understand why you'd be scared, Blake. I know I screwed up, believe me, I will never forget the way I feel right now. I don’t think I could ever feel this badly again. But I'm not Ilia, and I'm sure as hell not him.

21:41:57  
  
  | 

I'm also not my mother. I don't know what you took away from my story about meeting her, but just because I don't hate Raven doesn't make the fact that she left hurt any less. I know what it did to my dad, I could never do that to somebody else. I only went on this whole stupid trip because I thought you didn't care, that you didn't want me. If I had thought for a second that you wanted me to stay, Blake, I never would have imagined leaving.

21:44:46  
  
  | 

Okay, I think that's everything.

21:44:50  
  
That’s a lot to unpack, I need to address things individually. First and foremost, I am not a replacement for you to your family. I love Tai, but I can see it in his eyes, if he could get you home every christmas and thanksgiving and all he had to do was never see me again...It’s not even a question. You’re his little girl. You’re his everything. I could never fill in for that.

21:46:40

|    
  
For Ruby, it’s easier because I know where she’s at, she doesn’t want to impress me or even take that big a role in my life. She just is there, she has goals and all of them are local. She’s just easy to be around. You know how she is. I can keep her at comfortable distance and I know when rents due she’ll pay. I need to be honest, the thought has passed my head that my life would be easier if I loved Ruby instead, but I’m not there with her, if I ever could be. She’s just my roommate.

21:49:58

|    
  
If Summer’s the angel in my heart Raven will always be the devil. They represent to me antithesis of each other. Summer can’t ignore things not even things that aren’t hers to manage. She will always be my hero. Did I ever tell you the story of what she did when she found out Ilia brought Adam to my apartment?  I’ll need to tell you that one day.

21:53:29

|    
  
But Raven, she walked away and to just...Yang I should apologize. You forgiving Raven is probably for the best. I’m just scared you’ll feel vindicated in abandoning me and what's scariest is the possibility that you should. This hurts worst in relationship to Summer. In my head you only ever had one mom and she was the best there ever was. I didn’t want to see them put on the same pedestal and I’m not going to pretend that’s anything but me being petty.

21:55:14

|    
  
Last... last is us. It’s recursive. I keep you away because I know you will leave and you leave because I keep you away. Isn’t leaving what you really want though? Hasn’t it always been? We have bigger issues than this month. All of this has been rooted in our past. If you truly left because of me, then obviously it's older than this. Yang, we have so many problems. And guilt can’t be the glue to hold it all together.

21:56:57

|    
  
 

  | 

I’m going to stick to talking about us right now. Summer and Raven, my dad, even Ruby...they’re all important, but I can’t think about them right now. My brain’s not...I’m still a little rattled. So I’m just going to talk about us right now if that’s okay.

21:57:10  
  
---|---  
  | 

Yeah, I wanted to travel. But I didn't want to travel alone. I know what I said when we first started emailing, and it's all still true. But what good is being out here when I don't have anybody to share it with? I have a million fucking pictures of gorgeous landscapes and cool weird things I've seen, and I'd torch every single one of them for one of you sitting on the hood of my car and scowling at me with a gas station in the background. I keep hoping that something will change, that I'll feel some of what I wanted to coming out here, but I haven’t yet. And I'm beginning to think I never will.

21:59:09  
  
  | 

I left because I didn't feel important to you. If I am, then please, Blake, tell me. Tell me, right now, and I'll come home. I won’t let anything stop me. Tell me so we can have a chance, so that we can try for once. Maybe we do have problems, but what relationship doesn't? If we both want this, if we care about each other, let's actually try instead of just dancing around it and getting frustrated when it doesn't work. I just want to make you happy. It’s all I’ve ever wanted, now more than ever.

22:00:58  
  
I can’t promise you things I don’t know I can deliver and I just can’t live with myself being an anchor. I’m honest when I say I do feel things for you, but I’m not even out of the clinic yet. I need to find a new job, my employer can’t fire me, but after mental health leave, he’ll never promote me. I need to figure out where I want to go, how I can do it without being a drain on those around me, and I got to figure out how do all of it without snapping again.

22:02:33

|    
  
If you come back, you need to come back knowing that I can’t promise I’ll leap into your arms and we’ll get married and hop on the first train out of here. If you decide to come back, it should be because you want to face whatever's really here. I won’t blame you anymore if that’s not enough.

22:03:37

|    
  
I’ve decided to stop lying to myself or you, to anyone. So honestly. I don’t know what’ll happen if I see you.

22:04:03

|    
  | 

I won’t lie to you either. I'm scared, Blake. What you told me, what you almost did… I haven't been this scared since Summer got sick. And I don’t want you to think that I’m saying that to guilt trip you or anything, I just want you to understand. I know that I'm impulsive, and I realize that I hurt you with that impulsiveness. I never want to hurt you like that again.

22:07:24  
  
  | 

My impulse is to come home right this second. My impulse is to plant myself at your side and never leave you again. But I’m going to try and curb that, because this isn’t about what I want. It’s about you. It’s about what you want.

22:08:51  
  
  | 

I'm not asking you to tell me right now that we'll get married, or travel together. I’m not asking everything to be perfect the second I see you.  All I want to know, the only thing that matters to me, is if you want me there. Not need, want.

22:09:30  
  
  | 

Blake, do you want me to come home?

22:11:32  
  
Yang please don’t be scared. Fear won’t fix things between us just… You want that answer right?

22:14:02

|    
  
In my first email ever, I asked when you’d be coming back. Why do you think I even asked?

22:15:16

|    
  | 

Please Blake, it might be stupid of me, but I'm tired of us not saying things to each other.

22:15:28  
  
Yes Yang, of course I want you to come back.

22:16:01

|    
  | 

I'll leave in the morning.

22:16:06  
  
Please, drive safe.

22:16:08

|    
  
And give Sun back his phone please.

22:18:54

|    
  |    
   
   
  
 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi It’s Elfen, I do want to make it clear the fic isn’t over yet, still a very long drive ahead of Yang. For crediting reasons, this chapter was written by both of us down the line as you’d expect. Thanks for reading!
> 
> And this is Fawkes with a minor addition. Many of you may notice that not everything brought up in these texts got addressed immediately. For anybody who may think that this is too clean an ending, and there are some loose ends between them, just know that there's a lot of distance between Detroit and Portland, and quite a bit of ground still to cover, both figuratively and literally.
> 
> This is Elfen here to remind fawkes, I just fucking said that, you idiot, love elfen <3
> 
> Well, that’s why I need you around, Elf. Clearly I lack all the subtlety xD - Fawkes


	12. Low

Catching up

Yang Xiao Long <Fireballin17@beacon.edu>  
to me | 8:38 PM (23 minutes ago)

So, I’m on the road. I got a little bit of a later start than I would have liked, but I did get a good chunk of driving done this afternoon, which is good. I stopped at a McDonald's to eat something and I figured I’d email you while I had access to wifi.

Turns out even I can’t just leave everything behind on a moment’s notice. At least I was already paid up for the month on my apartment, and I never paid for February, so all I had to do was return some stuff to my landlord. After that, it was a matter of heading to the garage to get my car and tell them I was heading home. Of course Sun was the only one there this morning, that only makes sense, right? We kind of got into a massive fight. He kept trying to say how I was making this huge mistake, and I was trying to tell him to mind his own goddamn business. We yelled a lot. I might have thrown things. Then he tried to kiss me.

So I hit him really hard in the mouth. You know how hard I can throw a punch. I think I dislocated his jaw. It hurt like hell though. My hand’s still a little swollen - I’m just hoping I didn’t break anything. I stopped by a corner convenience store on the way out of town and grabbed a bag of frozen peas. It helped a bit.

This is probably the world’s most awkward segue into an apology ever, but I thought you might get some satisfaction out of the story. Blake, there are a lot of things I still need to say sorry for, and this is probably the least of all of them, but I figure it’s as good a place to start as any. I don’t know what you think happened between me and Sun, but I promise, it was nothing. It was New Year’s Eve, we were hanging out together and he was, well, he was there. I was hurting and very drunk (I’ll get to that) and we just...kissed. But I didn’t sleep with him, I didn’t do anything else. It was just that one time. And I wasn’t lying when I said he sucks at it.

And about the drinking, that’s the next thing I wanted to apologize for. Maybe I’ve been going a bit overboard on it lately. It’s definitely been a coping mechanism. I’m trying to cut back for the ride home since I’ve got a ton of driving ahead of me and dealing with hangovers is just one more thing I have to take care of before getting back on the road in the morning. The point is, I know you were just looking out for me. You were saying things I didn’t want to hear and so I just lashed out at you. I shouldn’t have done that. Hell, that might as well be the tagline to basically my last six months or so.

I’m really trying hard not to turn this into a self-pity party, especially not with you dealing with what you’re dealing with. I know I don’t really have a lot of room for sympathy after, you know, everything I put you through. I’ve just been feeling a little low today.

So, tell me about you instead. How are you feeling? Are they treating you okay at the clinic? If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine, I get it. I’m not going to lie, I’m not really sure what’s okay to talk about and what might be too much so...just, whatever you feel like sharing, okay?

If you have time, you can email me back tonight. I’ll probably chill here for a while. I thought I would be way hungrier than I am after driving most of the day, but now that I've got food in front of me, my stomach feels kind of off. I better not be getting sick.

\--

If my heart was a compass you’d be north

Sent from: **Joliet Illinois**

 


	13. Happy

Re:Catching up

Blakey <BlakeBelladonna92@gmail.com>  
to me | 10:11 AM (1 hour ago)

Hi Yang. I’m happy to hear from you.

Make sure to drive safe and eat well. You’ve never had the same problem with it, but I know what it’s like to burn out and discover it’s been a day or two since you’ve eaten. If I send a little money, would you try and eat something a little better for you than a big mac too?

Yang, Yang, Yang, the repentant sinner look just doesn’t suit you. What you did with Sun it’s not my business, you’re a free person and we’re not dating. Whomever you kiss is your right. I mean next time I’d recommend someone who won’t just kiss you flat on the mouth without asking, but I’m hardly one to throw stones on the mate choosing department. Of all the things to be sorry for, this isn’t just the least, it's not something you should be sorry for at all. Do take care of that hand, but I know you’re not exactly inexperienced with some bruised knuckles. 

I got upset about Sun, because at the time I felt like you kissed him and told me just to hurt me. My doctor thinks I see hurtful things as deliberate punishment regardless of intent as a conditioned response to, well you know. I don’t like the idea of having a victim complex. If I hurt you that way, I’m sorry. 

I’m happy to hear you’re taking steps with the drinking. I know I’m absolutely a nagger, it’s just alcoholism runs in your family. I’m scared of that for you. Even if Qrow’s a nice guys I wouldn’t want, well you get what I mean. Maybe the drive’s just the break you need? The wind of the highway can flush out your system. 

I really appreciate the apologies Yang, don’t think they don’t mean anything and that I don’t care, but I don’t want you taking the blame for this squarely on your shoulders. You’re not responsible for my mental health. I am. As well as the great state of Oregon for now.  Simply put, I haven’t been taking care of myself. The fact that I let it get to this point is my fault. It’s why I’m here to fix it.

And yeah, I’m feeling good today. 

Which is sort of weird for such a dour place. I’m in the voluntary ward so things are little less...intense. Doctors are saying I should be all set to go home soon and in the meantime I have a lot of  liberties the other patients don’t, namely this phone and complete clearance to walk anywhere by myself. I mean technically, I’m allowed to leave whenever. I’ve done the paperwork for voluntary withdrawal, but I want to heed my doctor. We’ve begun testing me on different anti-depressants which I’m keeping a positive outlook on. Other than that I watch TV, and work between our meetings, though we’re not suppose to. (I need to at least try to keep up with the team). Sometimes I play one of the other patients, her name’s Reese, at chess. She’s so chipper you’d never think she’d ever manage to be here, but everyone has their reasons. You’d like her. Lastly, as always, I read.

So far my favorite place at the clinic is outside the library. With the aid of a hefty scarf, there is an old cherry blossom tree dead to the core I like to rest under. The white trunk been warped With a hollow indent and fits me perfectly near its roots. I swear it’s meant to have someone like me slide into it with a good book. You’d be surprised what you can find at a mental health clinic library. Who the hell thought Vonnegut was a smart choice for this place?

I’m in the mood for a story Yang, tell me about the drive. I don’t think I’ve seen anything out there before. I hope you can find some adventure in this stupid race home. I’m really sorry I’m making you do this, even if I’m not literally of course, I just can’t shake the feeling. 

What do you see out there? 

\--

Blake Belladonna  
(458) 555-7929  
linkedin.com/in/b.belladonna

Sent From:  **Salem Oregon**

 


	14. Hurting

Re:Catching up

Yang Xiao Long <Fireballin17@beacon.edu>  
to me | 10:32 AM (7 hours ago)

I’m really glad you’re feeling good. I wish I could say the same, frankly. I’m already feeling like this drive is cursed or something. I woke up late with my stomach feeling worse than last night and I made it less than an hour out of Joliet before I had to stop again. I’m in a city called Ottowa now, bumming off the city wifi. I think I’m going to try and rest here until I’m feeling better, as much as it pains me to lose a whole day of driving. 

You know, on paper, 35 hours doesn’t look like a lot. I mean, it’s more than a day, sure, but you just think ‘man, a day and a half and then I’ll be home.’ But then you gotta think how long you can actually go in a day (my record is 12 hours btw, but I had a LOT of caffeine that day and it got rough there at the end) and then add 6-8 hours every time you stop for sleep and whatnot. Suddenly, home starts looking very, very far away. 

I don’t know why I’m getting all weird and mopey coming home. It’s not like I don’t want to see you, or dad, or Ruby. I honestly don’t even want to be here right now, out driving and wandering. It lost its romance. It kind of just feels like this little black raincloud is following me around, like I’m in a cartoon or something, just sort of weighing on me and making me feel like crap for no adequately explained reason.

Ugh, sorry, I’ll try to stop being a total downer for a few minutes here. You wanted a story, right? Well, I’m not the world’s best storyteller, but I’ll try.

Leaving Detroit was a little surreal. It’s such a huge city, alive with noise and traffic and all the things that come with modern life, but just a few miles down I-94, it just...stops. Once you’re out past the suburbs and the places that exist to support the suburbs, you’re in a forest. It reminds me of back home a little, where you feel like if you just pulled over and wandered off into the trees, you’d wind up in some kind of fantasy world after a bit. At some point, my map told me I was driving beside one of the Great Lakes, Lake Michigan, obviously, but I couldn’t see it through the trees. It took a while, but eventually a combination of the highway going up a hill and a gap in the foliage let me see it.

Remember that summer I took (okay, dragged) you to the music festival in San Diego? I wanted to go to the beach one more time before we went home, and so we went around mid morning even though the clouds were rolling in and the thunder had scared off most of the beach goers? Well, imagine if we’d had to walk through the enchanted forest before we’d seen that. The steely grey sky, the water still calm before the storm. It was a lot like that. I pulled over and took a few pictures, I’ll show you when I get back. 

I miss you like crazy.

We really should go on a trip sometime. It doesn’t have to be like what I did. We can plan a route, a destination, a reasonable time frame etc. etc. But you need to be out here. When I hit what I can definitively say was the midwest, and the trees turned into rolling farmland literally as far as the eye can see, all I could think was no words I used to describe it would be able to do it justice. But you could. I’ve always loved your writing, and with some of the things I’ve seen for inspiration, I think you could make something amazing. 

Have you been writing at all in the clinic? I know it can’t be the most inspiring place in the world, but I know it makes you happy. 

I think I’m going to try and get some rest now. I don’t want to lose much more time. Best to just get over this thing so I can come home.

\--

Re:Catching up

Yang Xiao Long <Fireballin17@beacon.edu>  
to me | 2:54 PM (3 hours ago)

Somethings not right. I cant sleep, been staring at the roof of my station wagon for like 4 hours now. My stomachs killing me. And now im sweating, too. I think its got to be a fever, but i dont feel hot. Weird, right?

What was i thinking coming out here blake? No plan, no nothing. Just another stupid impulse. I almost lost everything, and now im hurting too much to even get my useless ass home.

I think im really sick. Defeated by the fucking stomach flu.

Im sorry for all the shit i keep putting you through. I promise ill make it home, as soon as i can.

I love you.

\--

If my heart was a compass you’d be north

Sent from:  **Ottawa Illinois**

 


	15. Worry

Re:Catching up

Blakey <BlakeBelladonna92@gmail.com>  
to me | 11:31 AM (8 hours ago)

If you’re not feeling well don’t kill yourself on the road (if I’m allowed to say that?) Stop by the  Riteaid or CVS if you see them a lot of them  have walk in clinics. Really. The road might seem long and unparalleled, but it's a concrete difference. Every step closer is a step done with, taking a break won’t make the miles any longer. I’m not in any danger right now okay?

I kind of feel bad admitting this, but I’m happy the call of the wild in you is a touch satisfied. I’m very self concious about you wanting to leave again, or about me holding you down. If we do things from here on out I want it done clean and right. I don’t want us apologizing to each other for existing the rest of our lives. It’s a good time to close things though, you’ve got a rich list of stories, you got your answers, you even got a branch to the other half of your family.

I think now's as good as anytime to end it, so try not to be dragged down by too much of the homeward bound blues.

I’ve never imagined the great lakes would seem like a beach, but I guess it would be right? Endless water as far as you can see. Is it sandy like cali or rocky like here? Or something totally different I imagine. Like a never ending crater lake. 

Maybe we’ll see one day. A trip doesn’t have to be the end of the world I guess. Couldn’t be like what you just did, I can't do what you did, we both know that, but I have some money. We can talk when you get here. Maybe before I find a new job. 

We have a lot to talk about.

Writing? Oddly enough yes. Part of my therapy is a creative nonfiction workshop. The doctor, Oobleck, was surprised by  my eloquence. I’d share some of it, but in honesty, it's a lot about you or about my abuse. We’re suppose to write knowing no one besides us will read it. I promise i’m not being cruel.

But that’s not all I’m writing. The rain has been coming down hard lately so I can’t sit by my tree, instead I’m jotting down poems. Got the idea listening to chopin’s Raindrops, I know I’m a nerd, and I thought about how he used the A-flat key and tried  to make the raindrop poem follow that, like recurring single word structure between standard couplets. Nothing perfect yet, but it’s been interesting. I can’t even remember the last time I got to sit by the window, listen to the rain and think only about how to play with words.

Maybe when you get here you can pick your favorite draft of the concept? Menagerie  might have a space for me on the next issue if it's worth a damn and don't mind begging Velv. 

It’s quiet here, almost a shame I’m leaving soon. I mean I’ve skipped the shitty parts of this place, it’s no wonderland. Underfunded, unsettling at times, not as clean as you’d want, but it’s a bubble separated from the world. I get to run away for a little while before they kick me out. 

Don’t worry, I’ll be in Portland long before you.

\--

Blake Belladonna  
(458) 555-7929  
linkedin.com/in/b.belladonna

Sent From:  **Salem Oregon**

* * *

 

Re:Catching up

Yang <Fireballin17@beacon.edu>  
to Blakey | 4:54 PM (3 hours ago)

Somethings not right. I cant sleep, been staring at the roof of my station wagon for like 4 hours now. My stomachs killing me. And now im sweating, too. I think its got to be a fever, but i dont feel hot. Weird, right?

What was i thinking coming out here blake? No plan, no nothing. Just another stupid impulse. I almost lost everything, and now im hurting too much to even get my useless ass home.

I think im really sick. Defeated by the fucking stomach flu.

Im sorry for all the shit i keep putting you through. I promise ill make it home, as soon as i can.

I love you.

\--

If my heart was a compass you’d be north

Sent from:  **Ottawa Illinois**

* * *

 

Blakey <BlakeBelladonna92@gmail.com>

to me | 8:08 PM (5 minutes ago)

Yang,  find out where the hospital is and go to the ER right now. I can send you money if you need it, but you don’t have the means in your car to handle a stomach flu. Do you have heat? You’re not freezing in there are you? Do you have any other symptoms? 

If you don’t have a fever… just get back to me once you're at the ER. 

\--

Blake Belladonna  
(458) 555-7929  
linkedin.com/in/b.belladonna

Sent From:  **Salem Oregon**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey it’s Elfen here, my side of the replies are going to slow down unfortunately as you may have noticed. This semester's on the rough side so I just don't have the time I expected. I’ll keep trying to do weekly work though!
> 
> Fawkes chiming in. As you may have noticed, Yang’s email was reprinted in this chapter to keep things from being too confusing. It is entirely unaltered from the way it is printed in the previous chapter.


	16. Trapped

Re:Catching up

Yang Xiao Long <Fireballin17@beacon.edu>  
To me | 10:13 AM (2 hours ago)

I’m not going to the ER. I’m not sick. Well, okay, that’s not true. I am sick, just not the way I thought.

Blake, I don’t even know how to start here. I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry doesn’t even begin to cover it. What I did to you, the things I did and said...I was so fucking horrible to you. I was angry, I didn’t want to hear what you were saying and so I lashed out and you almost...it would have been my fault. It is my fault. I’m a goddamn piece of work.

I didn’t sleep last night. I couldn’t. My heart was beating too fast and whenever I closed my eyes it felt like somebody was watching me. The car was too small and I was so fucking cold. I ended up getting out, trying to stretch my legs. I couldn’t stop shaking. At first, I thought it was from the cold. Now…

I saw Raven. She was standing under the a lamp post down the street. It was surreal. She was just standing there, staring at me. I walked towards her, I tried calling out to her. I thought she was following me. I asked her what she was doing here, but she didn’t answer. She just shook her head, like I was a child and she was scolding me for something. Then, when I was maybe a dozen yards from her she...changed into a bird - an actual raven - and flew away.

It was fucking terrifying. I ran back to my car and locked myself inside. My chest felt tight. I was having a hard time breathing. It took me a really long time to calm myself down, and I decided it was worth burning the gas to heat the car for a while to kind of help. When I was warm and in my right mind again, I realized I couldn’t stop my hands shaking.

Qrow tried to quit drinking once before, did you know that? We were younger, before high school. Mom and Dad insisted on putting him up and helping him out. He tried to quit cold-turkey at first. I heard him up pacing at nights, saw the way his hands would shake at breakfast. He was nervous all the time and he complained about how horrible his stomach felt, or how he’d see things he knew couldn’t be real. I should have recognized this shit sooner.

I don’t know what I can do, Blake. I can’t sleep, I’m exhausted but I can’t sleep. I don’t think I can drive anywhere safely, not like this. Not if I’m seeing things. And it’s not exactly like I can get liquored up and drive home. I’m trapped out here.

And that’s not even the worst of it. You were the one who saw the warning signs. You weren’t even here and you knew I was getting in over my head. You were so right about me, again and again you’ve been right about me. You tried to look out for me, to take care of me, and all I did was throw it back in your face, and yell, and hurt you. You deserve better than that. Better than me. At least I was right about one thing. I really am just a pathetic bimbo, trying desperately to force myself on you, ready to drag you down into the dumpster fire I’m apparently determined to make of my life.

Maybe I’m more like Adam and Ilia than I thought. We’ve all hurt you, I was just the only one stupid enough to not know what she was doing. I’m such a fucking hypocrite.

I’m sorry Blake. For everything I put you through. I don’t know what to do or how to get home from here. I don’t know if I can bring myself to call Dad. I don’t know if I could stand to tell him.

Maybe you’d all be better off if I just stayed out here. Maybe I could finally stop hurting the people I love for a change.

For now though, I think I’m going to buy a bottle of wine from that grocery store on the corner and try to get some sleep. Be nice to get back to something I know I’m good at.  
\--  
If my heart was a compass you’d be north

**Sent from: Ottawa Illinois**


	17. Powerless

Blakey <BlakeBelladonna92@gmail.com>  
to me | 12:24 PM (19 hours ago)

That’s a lot to unpack for me Yang, and frankly neither of us have the time. I’m going to stick with the shorthand. You are not Adam or Illia.  You never hit me, raped me, or gave me away to the monster who did. The entire baltic sea is between you and them.  We can talk about the lines you crossed. We both have a few and that’ll be a conversation we have, but we can’t even start from the place where you think you’re comparable.

And frankly, right now is not the time for you to think about me.

I was scared of the drinking. I mean I never knew how bad it was, all I had were the emails. I was scared for you. You’ve got Qrow’s blood in you and that’s rich in alcoholism. It’s not entirely your fault. I’m just… I’m sorry.

I think I understand how you felt when I tried to, well tried to kill myself. Inept. Completely incapable of stopping each other from self destruction. I’m all the way in Salem and I’m not even completely sure where you are. This clinic feels like a fucking prison right now, but I don’t even know where you’d be if I got out today. I hate that feeling, just sitting here waiting for bad news.  I don’t want to feel powerless.

So I won’t be.

You canceled your service, but you still got a CT sim card right? I’ve bought you four hours on a calling card. Code’s 8472944-034573-445. The first thing you’re going to do, is call about a clinic, or the ER, frankly I don’t care which, but you are seeing a doctor, right now.

I’ve already talked to Qrow, he say’s you’re having DTs, those can kill, especially when you're sleeping in the car during a midwest winter and I don’t think I’m going to twiddle my thumbs waiting for you to die. I connected our accounts to send 400$ to your debit card and more on the fly if you need me to. You should change your bank pin btw. Whatever the bill is, you should still be on Taiyang’s insurance. I’ll email you the account info.  As soon as Tai calls me back, either way an ER can’t refuse you Yang, not when you’re a sick as you are.

You’re not dying on the side of the road Yang. No way in hell, not this close to home.

And when you’re done with that clinic, you’re calling me.

\--

Blake Belladonna  
(458) 555-7929  
linkedin.com/in/b.belladonna

Sent From: **Salem Oregon**

* * *

**Recent calls**

Taiyang Long  
Declined call  
Saturday, January 30, 2016, 9:36 PM

Ruby Rose  
Declined call  
Saturday, January 30, 2016, 9:04 PM

Jacques Schnee (Boss)  
Declined call  
Saturday, January 30, 2016, 8:21 PM

Yang Xiao Long  
Incoming call  
Saturday, January 30, 2016, 8:15 PM  
195 min, 53 sec


	18. Burdened

Thank You

Yang <Fireballin17@beacon.edu>  
to Blakey | 12:18 PM (14 minutes ago)

I woke up in a clinic this morning. I mean, I guess you knew that since that's what you recommended and everything. My head is killing me, I'm still shaking and I feel like death, but I didn't wake up in a gutter somewhere, so I count that as a positive thing. 

Apparently we talked last night. For, like, a while. I’m sorry, it’s pretty crappy of me, but I don’t remember most of it. I remember a lot of crying ,and a lot of me apologizing, but beyond that it’s kind of hazy. So, forgive me if I repeat anything I said last night, but there are some things I need to get off my chest in a way I can remember, so here it goes:

For years, I’ve felt burdened. Ever since Summer passed away, I’ve felt like it was on me to take care of the family. I had to be the one to look after Ruby when dad couldn’t. I had to be the one to take care of the household, to pack the lunches for school, to make sure the homework got done, all the things that a mom is supposed to take care of. I couldn’t afford to let myself break down, not when I had to be a surrogate parent holding together a broken family. 

And you were there, for all of it. You were beside me every step of the way. You were more than my friend. You were more than my girlfriend. You just...were. You were Blake, my Blake. I needed you like I needed air to breathe. 

When we went to college, I felt like a weight had been lifted off of me. Ruby was old enough to take care of herself, I could finally be on my own, not have to worry about holding a household together. Free to let us be whatever we were going to be. But I didn’t realize how much my old life still affected me. I still had to be the caretaker, I had to be the one to look after you. I was pushy, and narcissistic and so terrified of showing weakness that I didn’t just tell you how I felt when it would have mattered. I didn’t ask you to move in with me, I just resented you for not offering. I didn’t ask you to leave with me, I just left and hoped you would follow. I couldn’t admit how much I needed you because I couldn’t let you see me break down. I couldn’t let go of the facade. 

It almost destroyed me. And when that happened, you were there. Simple as that. I’ve been such an idiot for trying to keep up this front, for not just being honest with you. Just knowing you were there for me yesterday...Blake, I can’t ever tell you how much it meant to me. Thank you. It doesn’t feel like enough, but it’s all I’ve got. Thank you so much. I’m sorry I didn’t let you in sooner.

It kind of makes what I’m about to tell you even harder, but I’m done lying to you, so here it goes.

Obviously I'm not done detoxing, and also obviously I can't stay in a hospital the whole time I do. And I can't exactly be on the road while I'm dealing with this. It's going to get worse before it gets better. The doctors asked if there was somebody I could call to come get me. I thought about dad first, I really did, but taking off work is hard enough when you don't have to worry about getting a substitute teacher or writing lesson plans, not to mention the cost of the plane ticket to fly out here. 

So I called Raven. 

I told her what was going on. She agreed to come get me, to let me stay while I get sober. She wasn't thrilled about it, and I get the feeling this is a one time kind of deal, but she agreed at least, and that's something. She's on her way to get me now, apparently she's dragging somebody else up to drive my station wagon back too. 

After everything that's happened, everything you've done for me, going back to Chicago is the last thing I want to do. To say I don't deserve you is kind of the understatement of the century, and if you're pissed at me for doing it, or for calling Raven, I understand. But I want you to know that this doesn't change my plans. I'm still coming home, and if you'll have me, I still want to be with you. I'm just… taking the long road I guess. 

I love you, with all of my heart. I promise you, when I get there, I’ll be the woman you deserve. No more fronts, no more facades. This time, we’re going to get it right. I’m going to get it right.

P.S. Please don't tell dad about all this (if you haven't already). I want to call him and tell him myself. He should hear it from me.

\--

If my heart was a compass you’d be north

Sent from:  **Ottawa Illinois**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, it's Fawkes. As you may have noticed, this chapter is quite a bit later than intended. I deeply apologize for that, I've had some stuff I've been dealing with that made writing a little tough for me. I'm going to try really hard to make this the last delay though between now and the end of the story. Thanks everyone for your support and for reading the story, and a big thanks to Elfen who tirelessly puts up with me. I hope you liked the chapter.


	19. Fragile

Blakey <BlakeBelladonna92@gmail.com>  
to me | 5:46 PM (2 hours ago)  
Download Attachment(s) -  10 files

I’d be lying if I said you didn’t miss much, but considering how much of the call was so sad, I think it’s better maybe to leave it blurry. The ending half was pleasant, though a bit embarrassing. You were shivering , but I must say Yang you had a lot to say to me. Some scary, but a lot sweet. I don’t know how much I should read into it, considering you also thought animals were coming into your hospital room to take you to the jungle, but considering the email, maybe not all of it was just fever dream love. 

It made me miss you.

I know it’s the truth, you’ve always been the less self destructive of the two of us, though maybe not lately. Even a boiler will explode with enough steam though. I will never truly know how it felt to be you when Summer died, but I know how it felt to be me, and that felt fucked.  I can’t take that pain away, but you know you can express it with me. I will never think less of you for coming to me hurt. I think less of you when you start to act like me. You can trust Ruby and Taiyang more than you think, be weak in front of them and I think you’ll find yourself plenty of warmth. 

I know you know this, but I can’t pass tests I don’t even know exist. You can’t expect me to chase after you when you leave on the drop of a hat, and you can’t be angry at me for failing these hidden expectations. Still, I think you get that now, I’d like to think that that ground is treaded and done with. 

There is also one more thing, you mentioned it here and hinted at it last night. You don’t just care about me because I’m “fragile” and someone you needed to keep together right? Because, I am not just that, I don’t want to be that. If you love me, it needs to be grounded in something more than needing to be someone else's guardian. If you love me, it needs to be love strong enough to live off of just wanting you, not needing you. 

This email’s turning dark, but I don't want it to. I want to focus on the light side. I don’t know how I feel about you trusting Raven, but I’m glad you’re not doing this on your own. I want to bring you home, but I know it’s not possible. You won't let yourself detox in front of Ruby.  It’s stupid, but it’s a stupid I understand. 

But you’ll have a parent and I guess all that maternal bonding time you’ve always wanted. Maybe a bit more throwing up than you would have thought, though from hearing about Raven’s life style, I doubt it'll be the last time she's holding someone's hair while they hurl down the toilet. 

Forgive my morbid humor. It’s all I got left. Lol. 

I won’t tell your dad, and I’m proud of you for facing him over it. If you can give me an idea about when, I’m sure he’ll want some company after. You know he’s a worrier. What about Ruby? Want to tell her too or just wait until it's all over? 

I’m not angry Yang, and I am disappointed, but not in you. I’m disappointed because I’m actually excited and I think you’ll take that as a good sign. I want you to message me when you get there and update me when you can about the process. I’ve tucked a few packets about how to make this easier in the attachments. I’m going to get out of here soon too. Get back in the office, though I doubt I’ll be put on anything major ever again. Still, bills need to be covered.

P.S.

I don’t know if you remember from the call, so I’ll just say it here. I love you, Yang. Feel better. 

\--

Blake Belladonna  
(458) 555-7929  
linkedin.com/in/b.belladonna

  
Sent From:  **Salem Oregon**


	20. Apprehensive

Re:Thank You

Yang Xiao Long <Fireballin17@beacon.edu>  
to me | 3:34 PM (4 hours ago)

Hey, i know it’s been a little bit since i messaged you last. I meant to write more, but i’ve felt like absolute shit the last couple of days. Not surprising i guess. I still feel like shit, but i wanted to send you something so you knew i wasn’t, you know, dead. It’s been pretty bad. There have been times i didn’t know where i was or why i was so miserable. And i kind of keep spiraling, remembering all the stupid things i said to you or things i did… i’m trying not to wallow, i really am, but it’s like all the shitty things i’ve ever done just kind of manifest in these super fucked up dreams i keep having. Or maybe they’re hallucinations. It’s honestly hard to tell the difference sometimes.

Living with raven has been interesting at least. It’s honestly more like having an adult roommate than living with a parent. She works nights at some club downtown. Apparently she runs the joint, got a bunch of people who answer to her. I can see why. She can be, like, scary intense. There are times when i’m just absolutely losing my shit and she’ll just grab me and talk me down in this really serious voice. She isn’t gentle, but i get the feeling she’s dealt with this before. I tried to sneak a drink the first night i was here - i’m not proud of it, i was just so miserable i was willing to do anything to make it stop - and she tore it out of my hands and threw it out the window. Then she proceeded to put the rest of the alcohol in her apartment in a box and locked it in her storage downstairs. 

But she’s not always like that. Sometimes at night before she goes to work, or super early in the morning after she comes home we’ll sit up and just talk about things. Catching up i guess. We’ve got kind of a backlog to go through after all. I hope you’re not mad, but i told her about you. I told her about our history and how you basically saved my dumb ass. She thinks you’re too good for me, haha. Like mother like daughter.

In return, she told me about her and dad when they were our age. Apparently they met in high school too, and the two of them raised all kinds of hell. Did you know that dad was drunk when he got that tattoo on his arm? They were out one night, dad got plastered and started going on about how in love with her he was and she made some jab about how he always wore his heart on his sleeve. Dad joked he should just get it tattooed there just to teach her a lesson. She taunted him, said he wouldn’t do it, so he dragged her to the nearest tattoo parlor that night and got it done. It was kind of a romantic story, in a weird way. 

Sorry, i know you still have mixed feelings about raven. I’m not saying all this to convince you to like her, but for what it’s worth, she’s definitely helping me.

Oh, i called dad. He wasn’t exactly thrilled. I think he had to physically stop himself from grounding me. He’s apprehensive about me spending so much time with raven too, but i think he gets that it’s the better of my available options, so he’s putting up with it. I promised him i’d be home as soon as i could be. And i will. I really miss portland. 

How are things there? Are you back to work yet? Tell ruby i miss her, i know she’s got to be worrying herself sick.

Okay, i think that’s about all i can manage. I’m going to go pass out again. Talk to you soon blake <3

\--

If my heart was a compass you’d be north.

Sent from:  **Chicago Illinois**


	21. Support

Blakey <BlakeBelladonna92@gmail.com>  
to me | 11:54 PM (5 minutes ago)

You know I asked your Dad about that tattoo (don’t worry I didn’t mention Raven) and he told me it was proof that an honest man always wears his feelings on his sleeve, and that's the kind of man he want’s to be. Trying my best not to call him out for that absolute none answer pseudo-philosophic bullshit, I realized,  in a completely glorified revisionist way, that kind of is what happened wasn’t it?

I’m getting ahead of myself, but I think that’s just sort of my flavor of email. No I’m not angry at you for taking so long, at least not in the traditional sense of angry. I was worried and that’s translated into annoyed, but fadingly. I understand it’s an unreasonable annoyance so I probably shouldn’t even mention it, but I guess I’m trying to do that, that “wearing it on your sleeve thing.” My doctor thinks I should be more expressive anyways. 

I’m out by the way. I’ve made the transition back to my home in dreary Portland in time for the winter rainstorms. I’m actually writing this from my balcony. The roads are slick tonight so I’m glad to be in, Ruby’s here too if you’re worried. She’s playing something in the living room, giving me my space. 

It’s weird to see her so, active? in worrying about me. She picked me up from the station and has kept within a ten foot ring of me. If she’s concerned I’m going to jump the railing it’s not bloody likely, were only on the second floor. 

I don’t hate it, but I guess I’m more use to love at a distance. My fault, I know, I have an acute habit of glaring at people that approach. Even now I’m shedding her company for cold evening winds and about twenty feet of slick pavement instead. Despite this, I think your sister's actually going to start bugging me if I don’t come inside. 

I’m not done out here though, still more to cover. My work has generously offered me “out of office hours” work from home to mitigate what damage I could do in the office. News must have spread as to why I was missing. I really messed  up, didn’t I? I hate it, but Atlas would have looked so good on my CV and resume. We both fucked up bad.

But “we must imagine sisyphus happy” right? So it’s good to pick up on those old stories with Raven, and as much as I want to vomit saying it, it’s good to reconnect. You seem genuinely happy about that and so, it’s got to be good right? So yeah, you can tell her about me, so long as I retain the right to fucking hate her. 

I’ve been avoiding this next admission, another thing I’m not totally proud of and I’m not sure how helpful it is to say this, but I’m suppose to go all out on the honesty thing. After your email, I went to hang out with your dad, and in a weird sort of way I thought we’d, I don’t know, bond over this? Maybe he’d understand. Well we got all kinds of fucked up and spent a big part of the evening bitching and crying about how much this all sucks. There was a lot of anger expressed, but I really think that just means we hate so much that you’re not here right now. That’s all I got to confess for now. 

Just as suspected, Ruby’s here to drag me out of the rain. She’s also made some sort of Mac and cheese infused with crushed cheez-its baked pasta that I think counts as an abomination against god, but she want’s me to try it. So I got to go pretend find a new roommate or something.

She won’t let me leave till I add this, so just so you know, we love, and we support you.  

\--

Blake Belladonna  
(458) 555-7929  
linkedin.com/in/b.belladonna

Sent From:  **Salem Oregon**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: I am sooooooooo sorrry for this taking so long. I had finals then just life got in the way and this is totally my fault (Elfen) I am soooo sorry.


	22. Burned

Enough is enough

Yang Xiao Long <Fireballin17@beacon.edu>  
to me | 9:43 AM (5 hours ago)

You know the worst part about putting something off? Especially something that you don’t have, like, a serious deadline on? The worst part is when you’ve put it off for so long that thinking about it makes you guilty. So you avoid thinking about the thing you haven’t done, which makes you put it off more. Then, of course, the more you put it off, the more you think about how you’re affecting other people. The people who care about you, the people who are relying on you or who are waiting on you. That just makes the guilt worse. So you shove it down and down and down, but every time you brush against it, every time you think about it even a little bit, it sends this jagged edge of regret and guilt shooting through you until you can shove it away again. So you start avoiding the things related to the thing you haven’t done because those start to hurt too. You start thinking in big meandering circles and doing mental gymnastics just so you don’t hurt yourself anymore. But it doesn’t help, because you can’t really control what you think about, and every so often it creeps back in and gets you when you’re least expecting it.

I burned myself the other day.

Ruby called. I guess she got worried after three months of no communication. I was cooking on a hot stove when she did and it startled me so much that I burned myself. It hurt like hell, and hurt even more after I iced it. Apparently you’re not supposed to do that. It’s my right arm, my thumb and wrist mostly. It blistered up after an hour or so and I still can’t really move anything without it stinging. Turns out, when physical pain overlaps with emotional pain, it gets a lot harder to ignore. For the last day and a half, I’ve had this steady reminder of everything I’m putting off. Coming home. Seeing you. Trying to be sober without Raven watching over me.

It hasn’t been easy. In three months, I’ve already relapsed twice. I don’t know if I trust myself alone on the road, much less trust that I’ll manage when I get home. I’m scared that after everything we’ve done, and everything we’ve said to each other, I’ll just end up being a burden on you. Or dad. Or Ruby. And while I’m in Chicago, I’m not a burden on anyone. Not even on Raven since I’ve started bartending for her to make up my share of rent and food.

I hate how scared I am. I don’t even recognize myself right now. I’m supposed to be able to take charge, to put myself out there, to accept any challenge. I’ve always seen myself as a risk-taker, a thrill seeker. But after everything this last year I just feel...used up. Burned out. 

More puns, ha ha. 

Is this just what growing up is? Realizing where the lines we can’t cross are? Finding our own limitations? I’ve never wanted to be tied down before, but now, the only time in my life I’ve felt truly free, I’m fucking miserable. I’m miserable, and guilty and I miss you so much it feels like it’s tearing a hole in my chest.

So I’m risking it. I’ve already made up my mind. I’m leaving, tonight I think, so I have some time to gather my things and say goodbye to Raven. I’ve been putting it off for too long. I told you I wanted to be there for you, and I haven’t yet. So it’s time to fucking do something for a change instead of just talking about it. 

I love you. I’m thinking about you. 

I’ll let you know what I see on the road.

* * *

Tell the world that I’m coming home.

Sent from:  **Chicago Illinois**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My, my. It's been a while, hasn't it? For those of you who are still interested in this story and have been waiting on the next chapter, I can only say I'm really, really sorry. Life's just been complicated, generally speaking. It's not an excuse for radio silence, but it's all I've got.
> 
> That being said, things have stabilized for me. And with RWBY starting up tomorrow, my own reminder of things I've been putting off, I felt like now was as good an opportunity as any to get back to writing.
> 
> Also, leaving this story unwritten was figuratively killing me.
> 
> As a quick note, I've posted this without telling Elfen about it, so it is therefore unedited by her. If it's terrible, I apologize in advanced.
> 
> Thanks to those of you who've tolerated us (read: mostly me), hopefully we'll make it worth your while in the weeks to come.


	23. Waiting

Re:Enough is enough

Blakey <BlakeBelladonna92@gmail.com>

to me | 4:06 PM (10 minutes ago)

Yang, I hate how  you always seem to bring out mutually exclusive emotions in me. I'm terrified and thrilled to hear that you're heading back now. It's wonderful, but profoundly stupid to be driving back still sick and burnt. I don't even know if I should yell at you or cry about how happy I am. You make my emotions into a labyrinthine knot.

So let’s untangle this bit by bit.

Starting positive, I’m excited. It’s been so long since I’ve seen you. Think about it, the closest we’ve been since this all began is disembodied voices shouting from a thousand miles away. Hell you don’t even get to remember it either. We’ve just been words on a page. I’m interested in learning all the new idiosyncrasies you’ve gained. Where you’re getting old from stress, I’ve gotten to hear how you’ve changed during this trip, but this would be the first time seeing and feeling it truly.

Now for the negative part.

Of course you’re going to relapse if you work at a bar! You can be so frustrating sometimes. I know you like bartending, but this is more important, you can’t surround yourself by your addiction and not expect a relapse! You have so many more marketable skills. When you’re back, we’re finding you a job at an auto shop or a bike dealership or something.

“When you’re back”, I snagged on that line. It’s almost hard to imagine you could get back, it’s been so long without you, it almost feels like you’d have to scale a hundred foot wall and a thousand miles of untamed land just to get here, like it’s impossible. Still, I believe in you, if you want to come home, I’m certain you will. However, now that I’m saying things like “when you’re back” I need to ask if you're prepared for things to change? If we’re going to be doing this, we’re going to need to start considering each other as teammates, partners, not burdens or solely independent. Part of a relationship is letting someone become a stakeholder in your life, a factor. I don’t want to “tame” you or “own” you, nothing like that, just…

I’m covering old ground again, but I’m scared. Actually thinking you’re coming back like I said is so joyous, but it comes at the cost of anxiety. If you get scared, or something happens and you go again it’ll hurt so much more than if you vanish now, but that’s not on you. I got to figure out how to take that if it happens. Ugh, this is what my doctor calls my paranoid thought spirals.  Sort of go down one dark line of thinking and I start freaking myself thinking and overanalyzing all the way down the rabbit hole. You’ve got an impressive bag of crazy waiting for you when you get home.

The negative part seems bigger in this email I know, but remember the length of text does not describe the depth of feeling. Despite everything. I’m waiting for you.

But my life, I figure you want to know some of it. I’m still looking for a new job while mine slowly fizzles into extinction. In the meantime I started sharing some of the short stories and poetry I wrote while I interned myself. Velvet  thinks it’s absolute shit. She’s not wrong, rusty would be generous. Still, she wants to work with me on a project for Menagerie’s next issue. I’m going to write some small poems and she’s going to photo someplace in the city that encapsulated the emotions of the piece. Basically we're doing the artsy equivalent of image macros. My rejuvenated writing career is a fucking meme factory. It’s going to pay dirt, but it’ll be nice to do something fun for once. I’ll send you some of my better poems, see if that doesn’t make me a little more worth it.

Love you. Drive safe. Please, drive safe.

* * *

 

Blake Belladonna

(458) 555-7929

linkedin.com/in/b.belladonna

Sent From: **Portland** ,  **Oregon**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Well the return of this fic is as much a welcome suprise for me as it was for all of you and I of course want to finish this. I’ve never given up on a fic when I had the choice. (SWK wasn’t my choice) and I don’t intend to ruin that record yet.
> 
> Which might surprise those of you waiting on chapters of Decision or Summer’s Vale. (For those of you more following for fawkes stuff ignore the rest of this) I am taking this opportunity to kind of explain my impromptu hiatus. Basically two jobs and senior year of uni make writing big fics regularly nearly impossible, so I can’t really offer you must in the way of reliable updates, but like I’ve said I’ve never failed to complete a fic, just look at all the ff.net fics that say complete on my name if you ever lose faith and know both of them are going to get finished...just when is up in the air.
> 
> Anyways thanks for reading and I hope to bring things into the final acts. Oh god we need to start discussing how to actually end this… Fawkes, Fawkes we need to talk about things!


	24. Stranger

Re:Enough is enough

Yang Xiao Long <Fireballin17@beacon.edu>  
to me | 5:08 PM (19 minutes ago)  
Download Attachment(s) -  15 files

Well, day one on the road. Or maybe day two? I left pretty late last night, drove until early morning, then stopped to nap before getting back on the road. Probably wasn’t the smartest idea to leave at night, but I’m a recovering impulsive after all. Besides, Raven doesn’t get up until late, and it just didn’t feel right to leave without saying goodbye (which, now that I think about it, is super ironic). She seemed pretty nonchalant about it. No tears or anything, not even any concern I was going to relapse. Part of me thinks she might have been a little sad or disappointed at least that I was leaving so abruptly, but that might have just been me seeing what I want to see. Lord knows I’m good enough at that.

So, overall, a very professional goodbye. It’s strange, not knowing if you’re ever going to see someone again. I have her number now, obviously, but something tells me I’m not going to be making any cross country trips to say hello. If anything, it’ll just be calls around the holidays and stuff like that. It’s just all very...confusing at the moment. Confusing and conflicting. Not the best way to be when you’re trying to keep off the bottle I suppose.

The drive itself hasn’t been so bad so far though. I made it all the way to Minneapolis before I stopped last night. I decided to come home via the Northern route, up I-90 instead of I-80, the way I came. It’s about the same travel time, but it gives me an excuse to see some different scenery on the drive. So I left Minneapolis around one after forcing some food down, and around dusk something pretty cool happened.

I picked up a hitchhiker!

I know, I know, more impulsive decisions, but honestly you should have seen this girl. She wasn’t standing on the side of the highway, she was _roller blading_ down the highway! She was dressed in so much rainbow shit that she looked like a one-woman pride parade and she’s got this tattoo on her arm that - actually, you know what, I’ll just drop a picture on the email so you can see for yourself. So yeah, I stopped, because seriously, who wouldn’t stop when you pass someone like that, and asked where she was going. Apparently she’s hitchhiking all the way up to Winnipeg in Canada. She showed me on a map, and apparently it’s only about five hours out of the way over all, so I’m extending my trip ever so slightly to take her there.

I’m going to be honest, It’s been pretty nice having a total stranger around. You know me, I make friends quick, and having someone around to talk and vent to makes it easier not to drink. Plus, she’s lived a pretty interesting life herself. Get this - she actually worked for another branch of Atlas for a while before quitting to do freelance art stuff (painting, not exactly the same as you, but still). She really loves it, though it doesn’t make enough to afford plane tickets to visit home with, hence the hitchhiking when she’s feeling homesick.

Oh, I almost forgot, she goes by Neon. Because I guess the rainbows were too subtle, haha.

So yeah, while things started off a little gloomy, I’m feeling more optimistic than ever now. I’ve got a pseudo-guardian to keep me sane and share some driving responsibilities, and I’m going to see the great snowy north before heading back your way! This actually feels like the trip I wanted to take for the first time since I left.

Neon’s driving now. She let me borrow her phone so that I could send this. She says hi and that she promises not to be, quote “some crazy stalker serial killer or anything like that.”

I wouldn’t worry too much. I’m pretty sure I could take her in a fight ;)

I love you <3

PS - Sorry about the selfie overload! We stopped by this  _gorgeous_ view and we had to stop and take some pictures. Hope you like them!

* * *

 

Tell the world that I’m coming home.

Sent from my iPhone


	25. Nostalgic

Re:Enough is enough  
Blakey <BlakeBelladonna92@gmail.com>  
to me | 8:12 AM (1 hour ago)

My doctor’s pushing me to adopt a “workers sleep schedule” to give myself more life structure and regular sleep, and I got to say: waking up at 7 in the morning for no goddamn reason leaves me feeling fucking livid.

That anecdote aside, I’m in Pioneer Square this time. It’s dim still, misty too, and cold, but the red brick steps are as comfy as ever when you’ve been on a run to regain some sanity. I got a nice view of the courthouse from here and the renovators have a good view of me so I’m not going to kidnapped in the twilight of morning or anything. 

I’m trying to be more physically active again, another mental health suggestion. I hadn't realized my muscles had atrophied right along with my initiative. I use to be nearly as fit as you and suddenly I’m heaving by the time I get to downtown. It turns out you can’t program your way back to washboard abs. Our high school workout routine might just do the trick. Though this resurrection’s lacking Coach Goodwitch’s Strength Training gym of hell and the “throw tires at each other and wrestle on the beach” weekend segment. 

It’s all been... deeply nostalgic. Remember how afterwards, us and the other girls would go to the thai place, get bubble teas and just languish there broken and sweaty every day? How did I survive that, and how come I don’t talk to any of them anymore?

Thoughts for another time I suppose.

So it’s not exactly random that this email comes a whole day after yours. Well I was in a bitchy mood, and I didn’t know how to engineer a response that was both honest and not filled with undue frustration, most of which is totally unjustified. 

It’s not about picking up a girl on the street and going on adventures with her. Alright maybe like 4% of it is. At first I was a little… concerned about you riding alone, for miles with the “one woman pride parade” but after a glance at that picture…. She’s lovely, but how should I put this? She’s not your type.

More than that I was so unreasonably annoyed you’d be 10 hours late. My god I’ve taken naps longer than that and it's been like a year, and ten hours made me so pissed? I’m a sensible girl, I knew you didn’t deserve it so instead of replying immediately Velv invited me to Coco’s- Actually you’ve met Velvet’s fiance before right? If you haven’t she owns a club in the Burnside Triangle (I guarantee you’ve been to it even if Velv never showed you her wild side.) Anyways I went to Coco’s with her and we spent the night dancing and hanging out and I promise I didn’t do anything super bad. Some sensual dancing between friends, but if that constituted cheating your  primary trait would be two timing. I did do something that went a little too far, and granted I was a little drunk, but Velvet was being a good sister in arms and sending me home soon so it wasn’t too bad. At the end of the night I flirted with one girl, I don’t even remember her name, to get her to buy me a drink then totally walked right out after I got it. Poor thing, I didn’t even realize how bitchy that was until I woke up this morning. Apparently Coco died laughing when the girl was left just in shock watching me strut out with effectively her cocktail and my arm around Velvet. God I feel like I should write her an apology. lol.

(Apparently she does a dry night every first Tuesday of every month for all the sober LGBT folk in town, we should go then even if the door price is a little...much) 

All in all, I think we’re now officially even. You annoyed me so badly you got me to get out of the house and out with friends. So good work? 

Try not to take my frustration personally. In another perspective, it’s just a reflection of how badly I want you home with me. 

If you’re still there, show me around Winnipeg from a thousand miles away. I hope it's beautiful. 

And like always, be safe Yang. I love you.

* * *

 

Blake Belladonna  
(458) 555-7929  
linkedin.com/in/b.belladonna

Sent From:  **Portland Oregon**


	26. Butterflies

Re:Enough is enough

Yang Xiao Long <Fireballin17@beacon.edu>  
to me | 5:08 PM (19 minutes ago)  
Download Attachment(s) -  1 file

Dude, like, the minute I read the words “Coach Goodwitch’s Strength Training” a little part of me died inside. I swear I can still feel the phantom full-body ache after one of her core-blaster routines. I bet trying to do one of those now would kill me.

Sorry I let it be a couple of days since I messaged you. I’ve had some ups and downs personally, and actually ironically, working out might be the best thing for my weird mood if I wasn’t stuck in a car for most of the day. Almost all of the day really, since we really only stop for food and gas, and we’ve definitely slept at least one night in the car (I reclined the front seat and she took the back, don’t worry). Oh, Neon says hi by the way!

Okay, what she actually said was “tell that hot emo girl I’m taking care of her woman” and she threatened to confiscate her phone if I didn’t type that out verbatim, so there you go.

She’s definitely made driving a lot easier. Going in shifts is way better than ten plus hours of entertaining myself day in and day out. She’s also apparently come this way a bunch, so she’s got all these cool stories about people she’s hitchhiked with. She’ll point out a road sign and be able to say exactly what she was doing the last time she passed by or the time before. I think my favorite of her stories was when she ended up traveling with the lead trumpet from a traveling JAZZ BAND of all things. Apparently she got to see a couple of their shows for free, which must have been kick ass. I didn’t even know people did shit like that anymore. 

So I’m definitely dancing a little bit around serious stuff, but I shouldn’t do that, so I won’t. I’m sorry I made another impulse decision and I’m really sorry it frustrated you. I really am trying to kick it, but like I’ve said before, one addiction at a time. It’s definitely a little bit on me, and while I promise I’m not taking it super personally, it’s just another thing to think about. I promise, after this, no more distractions.

And when I say after this, that’s because as I’m typing this, Neon is pulling us up to this hiking trail that she says will give us a great view of Lake Manitoba. That’s right! I’m officially in Canada. We had a hell of a time crossing the border (I could not for the life of me remember where in this stupid car I had stashed my passport. Almost got arrested, didn’t, victory achieved) and Neon said that she wanted to show me the view before I left. Apparently it’s pretty great. I’m going to put a pin in this and finish it from the cliff!

Oooookay, when I get home, we’re going to start doing cardio together. Jesus, what the hell? I figured since I could like lift car parts and put bikes together I was doing okay fitness wise, but like a two-hour hike took all my wind away.

But! That’s okay because as Neon promised, this view is GORGEOUS. It’s a little chilly here (Canada eh?) but standing on the cliff with the wind whipping through my hair...it’s like something out of one of those books you hide under your bed.

I feel good. Really good. Stitch in my side and heart rate aside I mean. I’ve spent the last couple of days opening up a little bit to Neon, and it hasn’t felt awful. I’m still sober. I don’t know, in some cheesy way, this feels like the place I needed to be, physically and mentally, before I could come home. I was supposed to end up here. And the rest of it, good and bad, has just been the road I was meant to take. I dunno if that makes sense. I might also not have brought enough water.

I’m going to take a video to really show this place off. I’ll attach it to the email. And we probably should come back through here together - Neon even offered us a place to crash, if we’re willing to stay with a nearly-total-stranger and her parents. 

Sounds like an adventure to me ;)

I’m leaving almost straight from here and heading West. Google maps says it’s a day of solid driving, a full twenty four hours. I probably can’t manage that, but it’s hard not to think about it. Is it weird that I’m getting butterflies? I want to be with you so badly it hurts.

Ugh, that was definitely a line out of one of your books.

The point is, I’m going to be safe, I’m going to respect my own limits. But I hope I’m there day after tomorrow. Two days.    
  
Starting the second I’m done taking this video. I’ll say goodbye properly there <3

\--

Tell the world that I’m coming home.

Sent from my iPhone

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here’s the deal, because I (Fawkes) feel the need to explain the long absence. I hated the ending of Volume 5. I really, really did. Four episodes of a massive showdown that disappointed me in almost every conceivable way. It took all the wind out of my sails to continue writing fanfiction, and between that and other life factors (some mild depression, personal life getting busy, etc.) I just let writing fall to the wayside.
> 
> But damn it I really want to finish this story, and between that and some things I’ve read about Volume 6 after the panel at RTX 2018 that have made me feel slightly optimistic that the crew is acknowledging past mistakes and trying to improve on them, I’ve decided now is as good a time as any to finish this thing once and for all.
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter. I think we’re truly in the endgame now.


	27. Moments

Re:Enough is enough  
Blakey <BlakeBelladonna92@gmail.com>  
to me | 5:12 PM (7 hours ago)

The video was the highlight of my day, honestly. Between setting up appointments and getting some rejection letters, one of which, arrived literally an hour after I sent out the app. Like did you even read it? No, clearly you couldn’t be assed right? I fucking hate that shit. If you don’t want someone who meets every one of your stupid qualifications, especially if you don't even take the time to read my resume or the cover letter, and the work samples and just, ugh. Why even put the post up if you’re not hiring Haven Analytics? And to add to that, I overslept despite crashing early last night. I was so tired I never even got to your sweet letter.

Okay you’re not helping with the jealousy angle by showing me the beautiful landscape and telling me about how wonderful your adventures with her are. (Joking of course) I wouldn’t mind it once our life is something close to stable-adjacent.  Still I fully acknowledge the beauty of it. I’ll send you our unusually clear sky, not that you’ve never seen it before, but who knows maybe you’ll miss it. Not too tired of seeing my stupid face in selfies are you Yang? 

On to the positives, today my therapy was early and gave me a perfect excuse to skip out on my progressively shittier job earlier. “Feel free to take (unpaid) time off” Yeah I feel totally loved Jaq. Well the session didn’t make me feel better, but it gave me some stuff to think about. We’re going to work on some CBT stuff, Cognitive Behavior Therapy. It’s a little less gentle, emotionally that is, but it'll help in the long wrong in the end. 

So for my comfort food, I'm locking myself in the comic section of Powells. Don’t laugh at me, or at least keep your laughing to an absolute minimum, but I’ve been burning through wlw manga like it’s about to be burned by the catholic inquisition. It gives me warm feelings okay, and makes me feel less shitty about the wold so I’m going to destroy this pile I’ve managed to form on the floor over the next five hours and wait for more rejection letters.

In the meantime, It’s moody Blake’s Lecture hour. 

I was thinking recently about the state of happiness, or more, how I was looking for it. My therapist mentioned that I was looking for happiness and that I was always going to disappointment. Not because you or I won’t feel happiness, we will. But that by treating it like a state we can get to, like a job or a city we’re chasing the holy grail while our camelot burns around us. She thinks we believe we can find happiness.  We can’t. We’ll experience it sometimes, it’ll wash you up like a sudden drizzle in summer, and sometimes it wont come for days while the forests start to light on fire and we need it so bad. As long as we expect not to just minimize pain and maximize pleasure, but instead find that enchanted place or people that ll make it perpetually fine, we will be angry and disappointed because we will fail. I don’t want to be that kind of person. 

The simple truth is, despite everything, I’m not having a good day, I “should” be happy (you’re almost here!) but I’m not. I’m sitting here, feeling that sucking void in my chest of sadness, and I’m powerless to stop it. Despite having the components to happiness, I’m not even close, but thats right now. I know we won't be magically happy, I know whatever you found out there, it wasn’t happiness, it was moments of happiness, and that's no less precious. I want to find more of those little moments, here, there, everywhere. With you especially. 

You won’t make me happy, I won’t make you happy, but I think we can have a lot of happy moments. I’m excited in my moment of sadness for tomorrow, even if it’s the day after. I think when I see you at my door, I think and hope that’ll be one of those small temporary moments, I think I feel it inside bubbling up when I picture it. I’m sick, you’re sick too, but I think it’ll be enough. You’re enough.

So whenever you're done, and get to stop to read this: 

Welcome home. I love you.

* * *

 

Blake Belladonna  
(458) 555-7929  
linkedin.com/in/b.belladonna

 

Sent From:  **Portland Oregon**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well on record (it's Elfen of course) I've never started a novel and not finished it eventually except when people drop out, so even if I feel you on pretty much all your complaints and exhaustion, if you're in I'm in. It's time to wrap this up. Sorry to those that have been stuck waiting, I'm glad to get this out sooner rather than later.


	28. With You

Subject: Hey you  
Yang Xiao Long <Fireballin17@beacon.edu>  
to me | 7:24 PM (2 minutes ago)

So, I’m chilling in the parking lot of some apartment and bumming off an open wifi network I found (remember people, password protect your shit!). It’s been a couple of days since I last messaged you, and I’ve been driving pretty non stop. I’m tired, but I’m not far. Like, really not far. I just wanted to stop and check my email before...well, before. 

I think I’ve read the email you sent me half a dozen times at least. And then I went back and read all of our emails. Everything since I first messaged you, what, eight months ago now? Longer? It feels like longer. I was so scared, and alone, and I’m kicking myself because I didn’t have to be. I’ve never been at a loss for support systems, I just kept ignoring the ones I had. Or I pushed them away. 

Don’t worry, I’m not here to rehash the past, or to apologize yet again (even though I still feel like I should). No, I’m reading everything again because of what you said. About how happiness isn’t a place we achieve, but moments we find. And I’ve been trying to think of the last year and a half or so in that respect. Thinking about the moments I was happy. They were there, sure, but overwhelmingly I was miserable. If I had to assign a “state of mind” to my time away from you, and from Dad and Ruby, it would be misery. I was miserable with moments of happiness.

Then I think about coming home. I know things aren’t going to be perfect. Things never are, and I think I understand that better now than I ever have. But I don’t care about that. I don’t care about perfect. I will be happy with you, even if not every moment is happy. Maybe it’s just a matter of semantics. Maybe saying we’ll be happy with moments of misery is the same as being miserable with moments of happiness, but I don’t think it is somehow.

I don’t know, maybe I’m just being arbitrarily contradictory. It certainly wouldn’t be the first time. 

It’s raining out. I know how much you like the rain. It was raining on our first date, do you remember? Actually, I don’t know if you consider it our first date, but I definitely do. It was the last weekend before Junior  year, about a month after Summer’s funeral. I wasn’t doing well, shocker. I would drive Ruby to track and field practice and then go pick her up at the end of the day and that was pretty much it. I don’t think anybody had really seen me out of the house in weeks. I was in my room on a Friday night when Ruby came in and told me you were at the door. You told me you were worried about me, and even though I tried to tell you I was fine, you pretty much dragged me outside and insisted that I take a walk with you. 

We ended up at that old playground a few blocks over. I don’t really remember what we were talking about, but it wasn’t anything important, and I think we’d walked most of the way there in silence. When we got there, we started hearing thunder. I remember saying that we should go back, it was going to start storming soon, and you just took my hand and held me back. You told me that you were tired of me hiding away. That it wasn’t what Summer would have wanted. You said it was okay if I didn’t want to talk, but that you weren’t just going to let me disappear.    
  
That’s when the rain started and it was...it was too much. I started bawling like a baby and you just held me and told me everything was going to be okay. I think you started crying too. We stayed like that with rain pouring down and for the first time since Summer had died, I felt, you know, peaceful. Like the world wasn’t ending. It was such a massive release. 

I remember we ended up sitting in the top of the playtower, listening to the rain and telling stories. We even swung on the swings some when the rain was less intense, and when it finally stopped, you decided we should walk up to that shopping center, the one off of Patch Street. It had a bunch of mom-and-pop shops and Summer used to love taking me and Ruby shopping there, meeting everybody, getting to know the community. I wasn’t sure at first, but then we started visiting with people, and they all had stories to tell about Summer, and all of them were so sweet and so supportive. And of course you were there through all of it, tolerating my ugly crying, holding me when I needed it. You took such good care of me. I don’t know what I did to deserve someone like you.

That was the day I realized I was in love with you. I should have told you then. Or maybe not, I dunno. Maybe I’m starting to believe everything happens the way it does for a reason. All I know, is it’s raining now. Pouring actually, at least as hard as it was that day. I think I’m going to go outside and cry a little, and maybe laugh some, and remember the times I was happy and the times I’ve been miserable. I’m going to think about my future. Our future. I have a lot of things to think about really. A lot of things I have to make right.

Maybe it’s semantics, but I feel happy now. Even if I won’t be happy every minute. I’m good with that. 

You should come downstairs and join me. 

\--

We're falling apart, still we hold together  
We've passed the end, so we chase forever  
'Cause this is all we know  
This feeling's all we know

Sent From:  **Portland Oregon**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, it's been a long road here, but ultimately I (Fawkes) have deeply enjoyed this journey. I'm grateful to everybody who has stuck with it, and to everybody who has been supportive through (mostly my) long absences. I hope that you enjoyed this chapter! We've reached the end of Blake and Yang's adventure, but this isn't the last you'll hear from them. Me and Elfen are planning on an epilogue to round things out for these two, which we still have to figure out the logistics for, so stay tuned for that.
> 
> I encourage everybody who enjoyed this story to read more of Elfen's stuff, especially Choice which is the story that inspired me to start writing fanfiction. She really is one of the most talented writers I've ever had the pleasure to read and definitely the most talented one I've gotten to work with. If you like my stuff, I have another story that has also been on hiatus for a while called Aftermath, which I am currently in the process of writing the next chapter for.
> 
> That's all I've got for now. Thanks again to each and every one of you. Cheers.


End file.
